New Year and The Nutter

Christmas is done for another year, our first in Australia wasn’t bad, very different and we did miss all our friends, a LOT.

Christmas Day by the pool

Boxing Day, we were invited to Dave & Lynn Hunt’s place in Iluka, on the coast, about 50 minutes from The Vines.

I met Dave, a good pal of Bryan Garner, a few years ago. I don’t know him particularly well, but I made contact with him again before we got here. They have been really good to me Our Wend and the kids since we arrived, we went to their place once before and then went out for dinner.

Well they have got a fab place, big, two storey, pool, more TV’s than Dixons. We had a couple of hours watching a video, Meet the Fokkers, if you haven’t seen it, its well worth getting.

Kids had a great time in the pool, Dave has loads of stuff for his pool for when all his Grand kids come over and visit, I watched the test match from the MCG, what a luxury, plasma telly, leather seating, beer in hand, ‘appy days.

They did the barbie in the early evening, had some of their friends over to join us. All very nice and civilised.

We stayed the night as drinking and driving laws here are far more severe than in the UK, particularly at Christmas. They literally form a road block with a single decker bus, stop EVERYONE, bag ‘em, you are on the bus if you fail, and when its full your hauled off to the cop shop. All fines and points are doubled over the Christmas period.

Next day we set off for Trigg Beach, the kids were dying to use their new surf boards. Surf at Trigg was poor, so we went a bit further down to Scarborough, wasn’t much better there, but we unloaded and decided to stay for a while.

All was tickety boo, kids were doing great, really got the hang of it until we heard, about 11am, that there had been a shark alert at Trigg (about 1/2 mile away), four, 3mtr Tiger sharks and a Hammerhead.
We ploughed on regardless, me in the water helping them catch what waves there were, we must have been at it for a good two/three hours. All the time I was in the water, I kept having this slight stinging sensation, on my thighs and around me scrote. Eventually it got really uncomfortable. Turns out to be stinging jelly fish, that are almost impossible to see with the naked eye! Great, they tell me you get used to it!! Double great.
About 2pm we had the siren go off on our beach and the sharks had moved 60 metres off Scarborough, everybody out the water asap. You can’t believe it though some people just wouldn’t come out of the water!! There were four helicopters up, two jetski’s and a couple of boats, all tracking the sharks, which were very close to the shore.

Anyway, after a while I decided to go and have a chat with the Lifesaver, find out how long it may last.

“Afternoon mate, any idea how long this may last?”

“G’day, you need to wear a hat mate”

“Eh?”

“You need to wear a hat mate”

Jokingly I said, “Blimey, wish you a good afternoon and get a bollocking!”

“I got these tip top sunnies on (sunglasses) and I can see your ‘ed is burnt ‘cus yar going thin on top”

“Now your bloody insulting me”

Needless to say he had no clue to how long our fishy friends might be looking around for a meal, so we called it a day.

Just a we were leaving my Lifesaver friend shouted across, “It won’t be long na cobber they just put the shark deterrent in the whoarer”



                                                   Think I'll put me hair up to attract them.


Look at this Sharkie, have you ever seen two of these before?.



On the way home we stopped off for a Sub (Subway Sandwich) we are addicted since we got here. I think I only ever had two or three all the years they have been in the UK. There bloody lovely, although the only down side is Niamh only ever has a twelve inch lettuce ‘sub’, they class and price that as a vegetarian ‘sub’ and charge the equivalent of 6 quid for it! She also, as part of her order, always has a 5 inch diameter chocolate chip cookie, I know I can’t work it out either.

When we eventually got home Little Niamh took off her dry clothes that she had changed into at the beach. My God, you have never seen sunburn on the back of here legs like it. She obviously got it from the length of time she was lying around on the surf board and not enough sun screen on. Thank God she was not sore the next day, but its sure woke us all up to just how powerful the sun is here. Lesson learnt.

For New Year we went the The Vines, they had an outdoor bash with about a thousand people, nothing too flash, just a very large Barbie. The kids seemed to have great time, they had the run of the place, Peter took his Rip Stick, we hardly saw them all night. There was a live band, not a patch on The Bleeding Hearts I have to say, if BH's come over next year will get you the gig, ok?

I was introduced to a Scottish lad who had just arrived, we were sitting about 10 yards from the band, that, and him with a very strong Glaswegian accent, the only thing I know for sure is he is golf mad. Had no idea what he was saying, he probably didn't have a clue what I said either.

Just before the witching hour I went to the bar and bought a jug of beer and tried to buy a bottle of champagne. Uh uh, can’t have more than two drinks at a time, the jug is classed as two drinks, something to do with the licensing laws. At midnight there was the obligatory firework display, which I thought was a bit risky out in the bush, but it only lasted about 2 minutes! Went back to the bar for another jug, Jock (yep there are a lot of Scots at The Vines) and his missus who we were drinking with can put it away, bar is closed!! Literally, who in their right mind with 1000 people gagging for beer would close the bar?

So, within 10 minutes of midnight, the place was empty.

New Years Eve, while we could still get a beer

Managed to get some tickets for the Hopman Cup, a team tennis tournament held for the last twenty odd years at The Burswood Entertainment Centre here in Perth. We needed an early start as our tickets were for session one, 9.30am until 5pm. Team GB, Laura Robson and Andy Murray, were playing Italy, some butch looking lesbo (world no9) and some puffy looking greaseball (world number God knows what), not biased really.

We decided the best way was by train. We caught it at a place called Guildford (10mins from The Vines) 15 mins to Claisebrook, change and go one stop to Burswood. Met a lovely Lady from South Africa at the station, she was asking about which train to catch etc. When we changed at Claisebrook, we set off in the wrong direction, as usual, for the next platform and she got our attention  OOOOO   OOOOOO, just like all the old biddies years ago used to, it really made me laugh. Now a days we generally shout “excuse me”. Ahh sod ya, it made me laugh anyway.

So there we are waiting for the train, not many of us, but then he spots us, but we don’t spot him THE NUTTER!!! walking straight towards me, hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day mate, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Jason, yep that was his name, about 25, broadest Aussie accent you can possibly imagine, dressed head to toe in Australian stuff, Aussie socks, Aussie shorts, Aussie shirt, Aussie neckerchief, Aussie cap, Aussie rucksack, Aussie flag, Sneakers with an Aussie flag emblem on. Personal hygiene was very suspect, he had the cloth type plasters on about four fingers, you know the sandy colour ones, looked like they had been there for a week, his skin was a dry as a nuns, he had a bit of whisker just coming off the bottom of his lower lip, I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be there or he had missed it that morning shaving, teeth looked like they had never seen a toothbrush, never mind a dentist, plus the regulatory speech impediment.

Well, he insisted on shaking Peter’s and Niamh’s hand, approaching them individually and asking them their names, I thought he was gonna kiss Niamh, ‘cus when she said her name, of course he didn’t catch it so lent down and turned his head to the side and asked again. He still didn’t quite get it but made a pretty valliant attempt, considering is IQ was probably -341, and his speech impediment.

Then he spotted OUR WEND, trying to hide behind a 3 inch diameter pole, I think she thought she was in one of them cartoons, where Tom can stand behind a twig and not be seen when Jerry comes past.

“That’s my Wife there Jason, Wendie” Off he went hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day Wendie, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Now people who know Our Wend, will be right about now wetting themselves. There was no way out, out went her hand, fingers to the floor, back of the hand to the sky, I swear he contemplated kissing it. The look on her face, upper body back, head back, nose as though someone had just shoved a skunk under it. He had the biggest smile on his face you have ever seen. He’d just made four new friends!!

Well me an Jase chatted a while and then the train arrived. There were a few more people about by now and as The Burswood was only one stop, the train itself was full.

“Keep well away from him” were the final words of Our Wend as we boarded, “Got ya” I said.

We shuffled and jostled to get on and soon the train was in motion. As you can imagine everyone was in a good mood, were all off to the tennis aren’t we? Lot of crinklies, must be a popular day out for them. I altered my position a bit and turned 180, yep you’ve guessed it, Jason is standing right next to me looking straight at me. That was ok, ish, but we then went through the same palaver as we had when we were standing on the platform. Our Wend kept her distance, so as not to have to endure the handshake again.

Well as I’m standing next to him and its only a five minute ride

“Big supporter of Aussie sport then Jason?”

“Yeah, follow it all, I got a ticket for the tennis today”

“Do you live in Perth?”

“Yeah”

“Been to The Hopman Cup a few times then?”

“No, never, but I got a ticket for today”

“Yeah, so you said”

“I’m Australian, I support Australia, come on Australia”

“Do you know who’s playing today?”

“Where?”

“AT THE TENNIS”

“No, but I’ve got a ticket for today”

Blimey I didn’t know 5 minutes could last so long!!

“Who got you your ticket”

“For what?”

“THE TENNIS, TODAY”

“Oh I did”

“Why didn’t you get one for yesterday?”

“Why”

“Because Australia played yesterday!!!” went straight over his head that one.

“What football team do you support?” he asked

“Eh?”

“What football team do you support?”

“Aston Villa”

“Who?

“Never mind, who do you support?”

Just then, the train stopped, I couldn't get off fast enough “see ya Jason gotta go, you have a good day”

“Come on Australia” was the last thing I heard him say.
After a short queue, we were inside, Our Wend insisted that the first thing we do was, yes, some of you will have guessed it, WASH our hands after our hand shake experience with Jason!!!

Our seats were the very back row parallel to the court. Boy, it was hot up there, everyone and I mean everyone had some thing they were trying to fan themselves with. The air conditioning just wasn’t man enough for the job, and they were only using half the place. I dread to think what its like when its full.

Well we were all kitted out, we had taken goodies, drinks etc and had a fab time. My/our first pro tennis tournament.

Laura Robson was up first, (Niamh got her photo taken with her) playing the butch looking lesbo. Laura was the better player, for the first 5 games!! She lost. Next up Andy Murray, loads of support for him, the Union Jack being waved vigorously by the supporters. Half a dozen Scots just in front of us were waving HOMEMADE ( in true Scottish tradition!!) Saltire’s. The Union Jack would probably have burnt a hole in the palm of their hand!!

Peter was not that interested in watching the tennis at all, he had his head in a book most of the time. When we went for some refreshments, in one corner they had some form of fun tennis for the kids, couldn’t get Peter off it, ah well.

It’s so hot in the Burswood, we had now drank all the water that we had brought with us, so I set off to try and find some water fountains to replenish our stock. All public places here in Perth, parks, shopping centres, cinema’s, cricket grounds have plenty of free chilled water dotted around, NOT in The Burswood apparently, “you have to pay for it” the steward told me when I enquired, or refill from the toilet. Not ideal as its always very warm. So, nearest refreshment hut,

“Two bottles of water please”

“No probs, $9 please”,

“WHAT, have you got that right?” $4.50 each!! (3 quid a bottle). I probably over reacted a bit in hindsight as he was only the ‘messenger’. I told him where he could shove ‘em, and not very politely.

Other alternatives were beer, $6 a bottle, the bottle was bigger than the water,

 or cappuccino, $4 a cup. I ain’t giving the kids coffee with all that caffeine in it!!

“I don’t like beer” Peter and Niamh said

“Don’t be so bloody ungrateful, you’ll get used to it, if you can’t drink it I’ll have it” Honestly kids nowadays!!

Got back to our seats, Our Wend starts complaining that I didn’t bring here a beer.

“But you don’t like beer!!”

When the players go back to their seats, they play all the current pop songs, me and Niamh were giving it the dancing treatment, ‘Bump”, ‘Twist’, you name it. As they went back to play, Peter and Niamh were entertaining themselves by shouting, ‘Come on Andy’ or ‘Go Laura’, don’t know why they found it so funny.

Well in true GB tradition, Murray and Robson snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. They never looked like losing until they actually did! A good day was had by all though.

We did spot Jason one last time, he had a new friend and was standing in line waiting for a photo, like the one Niamhy had with Laura, Our Wend was well chuffed when we managed to get past him before he spotted us.

Leaving The Burswood was a very strange experience, we all had to go back out through the single persons revolving door that we had entered by, took forever. This is, I'm told, because the roof is like a tent, and if they open the huge escape doors, the roof comes down on top of your head. Slight design fault me thinks.Next time The Palmers arrive (thats Clive and Jo)