I should first explain what being ‘Palmered’actually means.
The phrase 'Palmered' was first coined by Sue Gaunt many drinking sessions ago and describes your general alcoholic condition, post socialising with Colin Palmer. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we plan to abstain, it NEVER works.
And I can also tell you, it runs in the family!
With Wyfi
 |
| Himself |
Lewis & Holly. She looks like she's been Palmered
Colin’s younger brother, Clive and his family, wife Jo, son Lewis and daughter Holly have been in Australia since before Christmas travelling around the country visiting various City’s and tourist spots. If I tried really hard I could possibly remember where they had been, but unfortunately being ‘Palmered’ seriously affects your memory, know what I mean?
Their arrival in Perth was the final destination on their trip and would you believe, they were staying for a few days with a relative on The Vines, less than a ¼ of a mile from our gaff. I got a call from Clive at about 4.30pm on the Monday and arranged to meet him at The Vines at 5.30 – 6 o’clock. At this stage I didn’t realise being ‘Palmered’ ran in the family, although I do know that Clive, how can I best put this, mmmmmm let me think, yeah, is completely and utterly crackers.
Well you can imagine the excitement as they all arrived, man hugs, girl hugs, bear hugs you name it. Clive’s relative, Karen and her daughter Natalie, must have thought what the hell is going on. They hadn’t seen nothing yet!!
The beer started to flow, we got louder, Our Wend and Jo got cruder and drunker (not sure that’s a word). About 2 hrs into it, another couple joined us, it turned out to be Karen’s sister in law Thelma and her husband John. The guy was probably in his late sixties, and he looked very familiar.
Ok, me and Clive set off to the bar again, got more beer, plus the g&t’s, wines blah de blah de blah.
Clive was telling me about the trip exploits to date, focusing a fair bit on how expensive Oz is, colourfully and graphically describing it. Folk who know Clive will know what I mean, but for those of you who don’t, the use of the strong expletives, ALL OF THEM is a HUGE part of Clive’s vocabulary. The word colourful, doesn't do it justice
Me, John and Our Wend were in bits, Karen and Thelma, really didn’t know what to make of it. Lewis and Holly, bless, were just rolling their eyes skywards in a “oh Dad, not that one again please”
The next trip to the bar, John came with us and stood his corner, topman. Whilst at the bar, we chatted,( he said I looked very familiar), turns out they were originally from Redditch and had been living on The Vines for 5 years. John, obviously retired now, used to be the Works Engineer at a company in Birmingham called Samuel Heath. And that’s when we realised the connection. Samuel Heath's had a factory fire some years ago and Skerritt Electrical had carried out the replacement electrical works, small world or WHAT?
The drinking and story telling continued, until Karen suggested we all went back to her gaff for a barbie. So, we quickly went back home got all the stuff (beer mainly) and met back at hers ½ hour later. John bless him did all the cooking, he was in fits of laughter at Clive, I thought he would wet himself. He said at the end of the night it was by far the best night he had had here since he arrived.A great time was had by all, the evening finishing circa 11pm, we was 'Palmered', well and truly.
Didn’t see Clive then for a couple of days, thank goodness, he was seeing other rellies and taking in the sites, we were chilling. Tough life in Oz you know, you gotta be pretty hard!!
We then got a call from him that he had booked a table at the Rose and Crown in Guildford for 7pm. Can’t believe it can you, R&C in Guildford?
The troop met up, less Thelma and John, but we were joined by Natalie and her boyfriend, and pretty much had a repeat of the Barbie evening.
 |
| Don't know about you but if I had just had 10 days in the mines, the food could wait!!!!! |
Nat's boyfriend had just finished a 10 day shift at the mines up north, and was embarking on his 5 days off. He is a trainee structural engineer I think, not easy to remember when you've been fully "Palmered' once and you were well on your way to number 2! Anyway, this kid, sorry can't remember his name, but he was a kid, just 20, is on $100,000 a year!!! Fortunately for me, the bar closed at 11am, which helped my overall condition for the next day. Well and truly ‘Palmered’ though!!
 |
| Chilling |
 |
| The Beverley Sisters |
 |
| Your always laughing Jo |
We had loaded up all the surf and bodyboards and met them on the beach. This I thought was safe from being 'Palmered', as there is no drinking allowed on the beach and Clive and Jo had got some relly's coming over in the evening. Mind you I sometimes think I ain't that bright!!
Everything was going swell, the surf was up and I mean up, all the kids were having a go, I was in the water helping 'em, when Clive decides he wants to have a go at the surfing. Well, soz Clive, but I ain't no Adonis meself when it comes to physique, but I gotta be a couple of stone lighter and maybe 6 inches taller, but chwarae teg (fair play in Welsh) he had a go. Main problems were, the beer gut, short legs, lack of training, and the board he was on was designed for an 11 year old!! everytime he did get on, the board went below the water line, NOT ideal when your trying to surf!!!. Lewis did brilliantly, real surfer dude he is, and he stuck at it.
This was great, I had been with a Palmer for almost 4 hours and I was still lucid, not had a drink. Clive looked over at me, he looked absolutely buggered,
Just finishing off burying Peter
The man did good
Looking for that magic wave
Clive is in here somewhere!!
Like the hat?
I'm dying for the loo!!!
 |
| I knew he wouldn't stay buried long |
 |
| Surfer dudes |
“I’m going to the loo’ he said “you coming Pete?” nod nod wink wink.
“Oh yeah, yeah, yeeeah, now that you mention it I could do with a pee meself”
Three hours later, drinking in The Stamford Arms, having solved the world’s problems, and took the piss out of most of the Aussies in the bar, we retired to the hotel pool area and joined up with the rest of the family.
Goodness gracious me, would you believ that, the pool bar is open,
Niamh has bagged a hunk
“Fancy a drink Pete?”
“Fancy a drink Pete?”
“Yeah, why not!!”
The hotel had a great pool area, which was located on the 10th floor, if my memory serves me right. Clive told us the hotel itself was nice, his first room was not what they had ordered. The room they are in now was number 1403, the shooting had been in 1404!!
 |
| Cheers |
I think the girls had been partaking in the loony juice by the pool, because they were having fits of laughter about this 70+ year old guy in turquoise Speedo’s no less, with a small monkey nut tucked down the front of them!!
 |
| Do you reckon that is a monkey nut down the front of his Speedo's? |
It didn’t end there, Clive said we may aswell hang a round and have dinner with them. Oh dear!! We got ready for dinner and set off for a local fish and chip shop, where Karen and Natalie joined us (boyfriend wasn't in tow, perhaps she had worn him out!!!), and we carried on supping, would you believe. I have to say that we were still compus mentos, but never the less still “Palmered”.
We gained a member that night as Holly came for a 'sleepover' with Niamhy, Lewis wouldn't come, I think he's a bit big for that kind of stuff.
We gained a member that night as Holly came for a 'sleepover' with Niamhy, Lewis wouldn't come, I think he's a bit big for that kind of stuff.
Lunch at Hillary’s Boat yard was sorted for the next day, we met and got the kids sorted in the water park then wandered off to find somewhere to settle for the afternoon. At Hillary’s there are only about three places that are actually allowed to sell liquor, most of them were pretty full, but thankfully we found somewhere. They had a promotion on, 4 bottles of Corona, in a bucket for $20, so we literally had 4 buckets of that. The girlies had some sort of fizzy stuff, 4 to a bucket aswell, so they had two buckets of that.
We had taken the laptop so we could Skype the other Palmer clan, so we did a bit of that, which was good fun, Clive was his normal self.
The restaurant we were in then couldn’t serve us anymore as they had to stop serving booze between certain times, so we set off for The Breakwater, a favourite haunt of Perth’s lovely people, together with lovely prices!! Clive was so taken aback that he couldn’t help taking a photo of the bill for ONE round (the exchange rate at the mo is $1.50 to the pound.)
We made a few more purchases in there and by the time it was time to go, I was, yes you’ve guessed it ‘Palmered’.
Sunday was Clive and Jo's last day so we decided on an early start for a day trip to Rottnest Island, or Rotto (pronounced Roddo by the locals), some 22kms off the coast. Rottnest is 11k long and 4.5k at its widest point, the name Rottnest comes from the Dutch ‘Rattenest’, funnily enough meaning rats nest. This is due to the presence of a small marsupial called a Quokka, which looks very much like a large rat (it also looks like a very small kangaroo). This is one of the only places on the planet these furry little creatures can be found mainly due to there being no feral cats or foxes on the island. They are incredibly tame and cheeky little buggers aswell.
 |
| Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
 |
| Little b****ds |
The aboriginal Noongar tribe, who were the original inhabitants before it was cut off by the sea, 30k years ago, called it ‘Wadjemup’ meaning ‘The place across the water’. It’s tough to decide who are the brightest really, the Dutch or the Abo’s!!!!
Rottnest has been a number of things over its history, it started off as a home to the Thompson family who harvested the vast amounts of salt that are present on the island, then it was a prison, where they kept all the naughty aboriginals. The henious crimes which warranted incarceration included spearing livestock (bit of Welsh in them there Abo's!!), burning bush (the mind boggles!!!) and digging up vegetables (how else you sposed to get them out of the ground?), a military defence site to defend the port of Fremantle, and would you believe a holiday island for the exclusive use of Australian politicians, there is a golf course on the island with a full membership (clearly that was a British politicians idea!!!) but it is now a protected site and a tourist destination. There endeth the history lesson.
Had breakfast at Hillary’s Boat yard before we set off, beautiful spot, looking over the marina and the zillions of dollars worth of boats.
Boarded the ferry at 10.00am, fully picniced up, for the 40 minute crossing, beautiful day, sea was as flat as a witches ***, we had not done Rotto before, so we were really looking forward to it. There are no cars allowed on Rottnest its traffic free, the only transport on the island are push bikes and bus and a small train.
It truly is a very picturesque place (the politicians certainly knew what they were doing), stunning harbour with all the day boats anchored and folk just chilling out, fishing, snorkeling, sitting around having lunch and a few drinks. If you are in the boat league, you can tie up overnight for as little as $40, if your tub sleeps 6 or more, it’s a bargain. Mind you I wonder what it costs in fuel to get there?
When we got there the first thing the kids wanted to do was get in the sea and play on the inflatables that were tethered just off shore. So we had a couple of hours of that, boy it was hot.
That's Peter in the blue, bottom left. The bald one is not Clive, he is too slim!!!!
Then we decided we should go and see a bit of the island, so off to the bottle shop, got some beers and wine and headed for the bus.
We figured it would be best to pick a spot not far from Thompson bay as we had to be back at the ferry at 4.15pm. If you go too far around the island, when the bus arrives to pick you up its generally full and you could wait a long time for one you can physically fit on. So we opted for Porpoise Bay. No not a Porpoise in sight, just Quokka's, a magnificent bay and loads of fabulous boats.
 |
| Folk on all of these boats just enjoying the afternoon sun. |
 |
| And these |
We broke out the picnic and tucked into the beer and wine, we all thought we had died and gone to heaven, we were chilling out, trying to choose which yacht we would have if the Lottery came in, the kids were snorkeling and climbing the dunes. The Quokkas appeared and were checking out what food we had. It’s hard to believe they are so tame.
Time seemed to fly by and it was time to leave, so we headed for the bus, closely followed by mommy and baby Quokka.
We were right about our bus, we were only the second stop and we just about got on, it was packed. It wound its way around the perimeter of the island, which showed us all the stuff we really didn’t have time to explore, but we will definitely go back to see. I damn near fell asleep on the bus.
Hard work mate, hard work!!!!!!!!!!!! Our Wend checking out the bloke sitting next to her!
Got back to where the ferry was, we only had about half hour to wait, so the kids bartered with the inflatables man for a 1 hour rate at half price, and he let them.
The crossing back to the mainland was pretty uneventful, other than we were all knackered, it’s tough doing nowt all day you know.
Back on terra firma we headed for The Breakwater, for a farewell drink, or 4, not put off at all by the prices. Thankfully Clive was aware of the busy day he had ahead of him so, he took it steady and for once I could look forward to a relatively clear head the next day.I'll sign off now by letting you know about how Clive recently answered a Skype call from one of his pals. When the ring tone started, he dropped his trousers before answering the call and presented his bare ass, up close and personal to the screen and then hit the answer button, can you possibly imagine the reaction to that by the caller? If that doesn't give you a firm handle on the type of guy Clive is, nothing will.
We had the best time with Clive and Jo and their two wonderful kids and will remember it for a very long time to come. Thanks
The Skerritts in Oz
I"M LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET AND I'VE STILL BEEN 'PALMERED'
P.S By the way, there was not anyone bathing topless on the boat, so you can stop putting your face up against the screen or trying to increase the picture scale!!!! PervsP.P.S Be careful when you Skype us in the future Our Wend has got a pretty aggressive looking boil on her left arse cheek at the mo. That's just to give you a heads up when we answer that you have got the right number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment