'Palmered'

I should first explain what being ‘Palmered’actually means.

The phrase 'Palmered' was first coined by Sue Gaunt many drinking sessions ago and describes your general alcoholic condition, post socialising with Colin Palmer. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we plan to abstain, it NEVER works.

And I can also tell you, it runs in the family!

                                             Shark deterrent - male version!!

                                              With Wyfi

Himself

                     Lewis & Holly. She looks like she's been Palmered

Colin’s younger brother, Clive and his family, wife Jo, son Lewis and daughter Holly have been in Australia since before Christmas travelling around the country visiting various City’s and tourist spots. If I tried really hard I could possibly remember where they had been, but unfortunately being ‘Palmered’ seriously affects your memory, know what I mean?

Their arrival in Perth was the final destination on their trip and would you believe, they were staying for a few days with a relative on The Vines, less than a ¼ of a mile from our gaff. I got a call from Clive at about 4.30pm on the Monday and arranged to meet him at The Vines at 5.30 – 6 o’clock. At this stage I didn’t realise being ‘Palmered’ ran in the family, although I do know that Clive, how can I best put this, mmmmmm let me think, yeah, is completely and utterly crackers.

Well you can imagine the excitement as they all arrived, man hugs, girl hugs, bear hugs you name it. Clive’s relative, Karen and her daughter Natalie, must have thought what the hell is going on. They hadn’t seen nothing yet!!

The beer started to flow, we got louder, Our Wend and Jo got cruder and drunker (not sure that’s a word). About 2 hrs into it, another couple joined us, it turned out to be Karen’s sister in law Thelma and her husband John. The guy was probably in his late sixties, and he looked very familiar.

Ok, me and Clive set off to the bar again, got more beer, plus the g&t’s, wines blah de blah de blah.

Clive was telling me about the trip exploits to date, focusing a fair bit on how expensive Oz is, colourfully and graphically describing it. Folk who know Clive will know what I mean, but for those of you who don’t, the use of the strong expletives, ALL OF THEM is a HUGE part of Clive’s vocabulary. The word colourful, doesn't do it justice

Me, John and Our Wend were in bits, Karen and Thelma, really didn’t know what to make of it. Lewis and Holly, bless, were just rolling their eyes skywards in a “oh Dad, not that one again please”

The next trip to the bar, John came with us and stood his corner, topman. Whilst at the bar, we chatted,( he said I looked very familiar), turns out they were originally from Redditch and had been living on The Vines for 5 years. John, obviously retired now, used to be the Works Engineer at a company in Birmingham called Samuel Heath. And that’s when we realised the connection. Samuel Heath's had a factory fire some years ago and Skerritt Electrical had carried out the replacement electrical works, small world or WHAT?

The drinking and story telling continued, until Karen suggested we all went back to her gaff for a barbie. So, we quickly went back home got all the stuff (beer mainly) and met back at hers ½ hour later. John bless him did all the cooking, he was in fits of laughter at Clive, I thought he would wet himself. He said at the end of the night it was by far the best night he had had here since he arrived.
A great time was had by all, the evening finishing circa 11pm, we was 'Palmered', well and truly.

Didn’t see Clive then for a couple of days, thank goodness, he was seeing other rellies and taking in the sites, we were chilling. Tough life in Oz you know, you gotta be pretty hard!!

We then got a call from him that he had booked a table at the Rose and Crown in Guildford for 7pm. Can’t believe it can you, R&C in Guildford?

The troop met up, less Thelma and John, but we were joined by Natalie and her boyfriend, and pretty much had a repeat of the Barbie evening.



Don't know about you but if I had just had 10 days in the mines, the food could wait!!!!!

Nat's boyfriend had just finished a 10 day shift at the mines up north, and was embarking on his 5 days off. He is a trainee structural engineer I think, not easy to remember when you've been fully "Palmered' once and you were well on your way to number 2! Anyway, this kid, sorry can't remember his name, but he was a kid, just 20, is on $100,000 a year!!! Fortunately for me, the bar closed at 11am, which helped my overall condition for the next day. Well and truly ‘Palmered’ though!!

Chilling

                                                                   I have no idea!!!

The Beverley Sisters

Your always laughing Jo

Next up was a couple of days later, (notice a pattern emerging?) when they had relocated to Observation City Hotel, Scarborough Beach. I think Clive moved in on the Thursday and two days previous there had been a shooting at the hotel, drug related, where a women had received non fatal gunshot wounds to her torso. Niiiiice plaaaaaace.
We had loaded up all the surf and bodyboards and met them on the beach. This I thought was safe from being 'Palmered', as there is no drinking allowed on the beach and Clive and Jo had got some relly's coming over in the evening. Mind you I sometimes think I ain't that bright!!
Everything was going swell, the surf was up and I mean up, all the kids were having a go, I was in the water helping 'em, when Clive decides he wants to have a go at the surfing. Well, soz Clive, but I ain't no Adonis meself when it comes to physique, but I gotta be a couple of stone lighter and maybe 6 inches taller, but chwarae teg (fair play in Welsh) he had a go. Main problems were, the beer gut, short legs, lack of training, and the board he was on was designed for an 11 year old!! everytime he did get on, the board went below the water line, NOT ideal when your trying to surf!!!. Lewis did brilliantly, real surfer dude he is, and he stuck at it.

This was great, I had been with a Palmer for almost 4 hours and I was still lucid, not had a drink. Clive looked over at me, he looked absolutely buggered,

                                         Just finishing off burying Peter

                                                    The man did good

I knew he wouldn't stay buried long

Surfer dudes



                                                       Looking for that magic wave

                                                        Clive is in here somewhere!!

                                                                 Like the hat?

                                                             I'm dying for the loo!!!

“I’m going to the loo’ he said “you coming Pete?” nod nod wink wink.

“Oh yeah, yeah, yeeeah, now that you mention it I could do with a pee meself”

Three hours later, drinking in The Stamford Arms, having solved the world’s problems, and took the piss out of most of the Aussies in the bar, we retired to the hotel pool area and joined up with the rest of the family.

Goodness gracious me, would you believ that, the pool bar is open,

                                                        Niamh has bagged a hunk

“Fancy a drink Pete?”

“Yeah, why not!!”

The hotel had a great pool area, which was located on the 10^th floor, if my memory serves me right. Clive told us the hotel itself was nice, his first room was not what they had ordered. The room they are in now was number 1403, the shooting had been in 1404!!

Cheers

                                           

                                                         Don't you just love 'em, They are so shy!!
I think the girls had been partaking in the loony juice by the pool, because they were having fits of laughter about this 70+ year old guy in turquoise Speedo’s no less, with a small monkey nut tucked down the front of them!!


Do you reckon that is a monkey nut down the front of his Speedo's?

It didn’t end there, Clive said we may aswell hang a round and have dinner with them. Oh dear!! We got ready for dinner and set off for a local fish and chip shop, where Karen and Natalie joined us (boyfriend wasn't in tow, perhaps she had worn him out!!!), and we carried on supping, would you believe. I have to say that we were still compus mentos, but never the less still “Palmered”.

We gained a member that night as Holly came for a 'sleepover' with Niamhy, Lewis wouldn't come, I think he's a bit big for that kind of stuff.

Lunch at Hillary’s Boat yard was sorted for the next day, we met and got the kids sorted in the water park then wandered off to find somewhere to settle for the afternoon. At Hillary’s there are only about three places that are actually allowed to sell liquor, most of them were pretty full, but thankfully we found somewhere. They had a promotion on, 4 bottles of Corona, in a bucket for $20, so we literally had 4 buckets of that. The girlies had some sort of fizzy stuff, 4 to a bucket aswell, so they had two buckets of that.

We had taken the laptop so we could Skype the other Palmer clan, so we did a bit of that, which was good fun, Clive was his normal self.

The restaurant we were in then couldn’t serve us anymore as they had to stop serving booze between certain times, so we set off for The Breakwater, a favourite haunt of Perth’s lovely people, together with lovely prices!! Clive was so taken aback that he couldn’t help taking a photo of the bill for ONE round (the exchange rate at the mo is $1.50 to the pound.)

We made a few more purchases in there and by the time it was time to go, I was, yes you’ve guessed it ‘Palmered’.

Sunday was Clive and Jo's last day so we decided on an early start for a day trip to Rottnest Island, or Rotto (pronounced Roddo by the locals), some 22kms off the coast.

Rottnest is 11k long and 4.5k at its widest point, the name Rottnest comes from the Dutch ‘Rattenest’, funnily enough meaning rats nest. This is due to the presence of a small marsupial called a Quokka, which looks very much like a large rat (it also looks like a very small kangaroo). This is one of the only places on the planet these furry little creatures can be found mainly due to there being no feral cats or foxes on the island. They are incredibly tame and cheeky little buggers aswell.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Little b****ds



The aboriginal Noongar tribe, who were the original inhabitants before it was cut off by the sea, 30k years ago, called it ‘Wadjemup’ meaning ‘The place across the water’. It’s tough to decide who are the brightest really, the Dutch or the Abo’s!!!!

Rottnest has been a number of things over its history, it started off as a home to the Thompson family who harvested the vast amounts of salt that are present on the island, then it was a prison, where they kept all the naughty aboriginals. The henious crimes which warranted incarceration included spearing livestock (bit of Welsh in them there Abo's!!), burning bush (the mind boggles!!!) and digging up vegetables (how else you sposed to get them out of the ground?), a military defence site to defend the port of Fremantle, and would you believe a holiday island for the exclusive use of Australian politicians, there is a golf course on the island with a full membership (clearly that was a British politicians idea!!!) but it is now a protected site and a tourist destination. There endeth the history lesson.

Had breakfast at Hillary’s Boat yard before we set off, beautiful spot, looking over the marina and the zillions of dollars worth of boats.

Boarded the ferry at 10.00am, fully picniced up, for the 40 minute crossing, beautiful day, sea was as flat as a witches ***, we had not done Rotto before, so we were really looking forward to it. There are no cars allowed on Rottnest its traffic free, the only transport on the island are push bikes and bus and a small train.

It truly is a very picturesque place (the politicians certainly knew what they were doing), stunning harbour with all the day boats anchored and folk just chilling out, fishing, snorkeling, sitting around having lunch and a few drinks. If you are in the boat league, you can tie up overnight for as little as $40, if your tub sleeps 6 or more, it’s a bargain. Mind you I wonder what it costs in fuel to get there?

When we got there the first thing the kids wanted to do was get in the sea and play on the inflatables that were tethered just off shore. So we had a couple of hours of that, boy it was hot.

                                          This photo didn't work out, I was trying to get a good shot of the woman with  the 'blown up' mam's sunbathing topless on the boat in the background.
                                    

                      That's Peter in the blue, bottom left. The bald one is not Clive, he is too slim!!!!

Then we decided we should go and see a bit of the island, so off to the bottle shop, got some beers and wine and headed for the bus.

Folk on all of these boats just enjoying the afternoon sun.

And these

 We figured it would be best to pick a spot not far from Thompson bay as we had to be back at the ferry at 4.15pm. If you go too far around the island, when the bus arrives to pick you up its generally full and you could wait a long time for one you can physically fit on. So we opted for Porpoise Bay. No not a Porpoise in sight, just Quokka's, a magnificent bay and loads of fabulous boats.

We broke out the picnic and tucked into the beer and wine, we all thought we had died and gone to heaven, we were chilling out, trying to choose which yacht we would have if the Lottery came in, the kids were snorkeling and climbing the dunes. The Quokkas appeared and were checking out what food we had. It’s hard to believe they are so tame.

Time seemed to fly by and it was time to leave, so we headed for the bus, closely followed by mommy and baby Quokka.

We were right about our bus, we were only the second stop and we just about got on, it was packed. It wound its way around the perimeter of the island, which showed us all the stuff we really didn’t have time to explore, but we will definitely go back to see. I damn near fell asleep on the bus.

                                              Hard work mate, hard work!!!!!!!!!!!! Our Wend checking out the bloke sitting next to her!

Got back to where the ferry was, we only had about half hour to wait, so the kids bartered with the inflatables man for a 1 hour rate at half price, and he let them.

The crossing back to the mainland was pretty uneventful, other than we were all knackered, it’s tough doing nowt all day you know.

Back on terra firma we headed for The Breakwater, for a farewell drink, or 4, not put off at all by the prices. Thankfully Clive was aware of the busy day he had ahead of him so, he took it steady and for once I could look forward to a relatively clear head the next day.
I'll sign off now by letting you know about how Clive recently answered a Skype call from one of his pals. When the ring tone started, he dropped his trousers before answering the call and presented his bare ass, up close and personal to the screen and then hit the answer button, can you possibly imagine the reaction to that by the caller? If that doesn't give you a firm handle on the type of guy Clive is, nothing will.
We had the best time with Clive and Jo and their two wonderful kids and will remember it for a very long time to come. Thanks
The Skerritts in Oz

I"M LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET AND I'VE STILL BEEN 'PALMERED'

P.S By the way, there was not anyone bathing topless on the boat, so you can stop putting your face up against the screen or trying to increase the picture scale!!!! Pervs

P.P.S Be careful when you Skype us in the future Our Wend has got a pretty aggressive looking boil on her left arse cheek at the mo. That's just to give you a heads up when we answer that you have got the right number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Year and The Nutter

Christmas is done for another year, our first in Australia wasn’t bad, very different and we did miss all our friends, a LOT.

Christmas Day by the pool

Boxing Day, we were invited to Dave & Lynn Hunt’s place in Iluka, on the coast, about 50 minutes from The Vines.

I met Dave, a good pal of Bryan Garner, a few years ago. I don’t know him particularly well, but I made contact with him again before we got here. They have been really good to me Our Wend and the kids since we arrived, we went to their place once before and then went out for dinner.

Well they have got a fab place, big, two storey, pool, more TV’s than Dixons. We had a couple of hours watching a video, Meet the Fokkers, if you haven’t seen it, its well worth getting.

Kids had a great time in the pool, Dave has loads of stuff for his pool for when all his Grand kids come over and visit, I watched the test match from the MCG, what a luxury, plasma telly, leather seating, beer in hand, ‘appy days.

They did the barbie in the early evening, had some of their friends over to join us. All very nice and civilised.

We stayed the night as drinking and driving laws here are far more severe than in the UK, particularly at Christmas. They literally form a road block with a single decker bus, stop EVERYONE, bag ‘em, you are on the bus if you fail, and when its full your hauled off to the cop shop. All fines and points are doubled over the Christmas period.

Next day we set off for Trigg Beach, the kids were dying to use their new surf boards. Surf at Trigg was poor, so we went a bit further down to Scarborough, wasn’t much better there, but we unloaded and decided to stay for a while.

All was tickety boo, kids were doing great, really got the hang of it until we heard, about 11am, that there had been a shark alert at Trigg (about 1/2 mile away), four, 3mtr Tiger sharks and a Hammerhead.
We ploughed on regardless, me in the water helping them catch what waves there were, we must have been at it for a good two/three hours. All the time I was in the water, I kept having this slight stinging sensation, on my thighs and around me scrote. Eventually it got really uncomfortable. Turns out to be stinging jelly fish, that are almost impossible to see with the naked eye! Great, they tell me you get used to it!! Double great.
About 2pm we had the siren go off on our beach and the sharks had moved 60 metres off Scarborough, everybody out the water asap. You can’t believe it though some people just wouldn’t come out of the water!! There were four helicopters up, two jetski’s and a couple of boats, all tracking the sharks, which were very close to the shore.

Anyway, after a while I decided to go and have a chat with the Lifesaver, find out how long it may last.

“Afternoon mate, any idea how long this may last?”

“G’day, you need to wear a hat mate”

“Eh?”

“You need to wear a hat mate”

Jokingly I said, “Blimey, wish you a good afternoon and get a bollocking!”

“I got these tip top sunnies on (sunglasses) and I can see your ‘ed is burnt ‘cus yar going thin on top”

“Now your bloody insulting me”

Needless to say he had no clue to how long our fishy friends might be looking around for a meal, so we called it a day.

Just a we were leaving my Lifesaver friend shouted across, “It won’t be long na cobber they just put the shark deterrent in the whoarer”



                                                   Think I'll put me hair up to attract them.


Look at this Sharkie, have you ever seen two of these before?.



On the way home we stopped off for a Sub (Subway Sandwich) we are addicted since we got here. I think I only ever had two or three all the years they have been in the UK. There bloody lovely, although the only down side is Niamh only ever has a twelve inch lettuce ‘sub’, they class and price that as a vegetarian ‘sub’ and charge the equivalent of 6 quid for it! She also, as part of her order, always has a 5 inch diameter chocolate chip cookie, I know I can’t work it out either.

When we eventually got home Little Niamh took off her dry clothes that she had changed into at the beach. My God, you have never seen sunburn on the back of here legs like it. She obviously got it from the length of time she was lying around on the surf board and not enough sun screen on. Thank God she was not sore the next day, but its sure woke us all up to just how powerful the sun is here. Lesson learnt.

For New Year we went the The Vines, they had an outdoor bash with about a thousand people, nothing too flash, just a very large Barbie. The kids seemed to have great time, they had the run of the place, Peter took his Rip Stick, we hardly saw them all night. There was a live band, not a patch on The Bleeding Hearts I have to say, if BH's come over next year will get you the gig, ok?

I was introduced to a Scottish lad who had just arrived, we were sitting about 10 yards from the band, that, and him with a very strong Glaswegian accent, the only thing I know for sure is he is golf mad. Had no idea what he was saying, he probably didn't have a clue what I said either.

Just before the witching hour I went to the bar and bought a jug of beer and tried to buy a bottle of champagne. Uh uh, can’t have more than two drinks at a time, the jug is classed as two drinks, something to do with the licensing laws. At midnight there was the obligatory firework display, which I thought was a bit risky out in the bush, but it only lasted about 2 minutes! Went back to the bar for another jug, Jock (yep there are a lot of Scots at The Vines) and his missus who we were drinking with can put it away, bar is closed!! Literally, who in their right mind with 1000 people gagging for beer would close the bar?

So, within 10 minutes of midnight, the place was empty.

New Years Eve, while we could still get a beer

Managed to get some tickets for the Hopman Cup, a team tennis tournament held for the last twenty odd years at The Burswood Entertainment Centre here in Perth. We needed an early start as our tickets were for session one, 9.30am until 5pm. Team GB, Laura Robson and Andy Murray, were playing Italy, some butch looking lesbo (world no9) and some puffy looking greaseball (world number God knows what), not biased really.

We decided the best way was by train. We caught it at a place called Guildford (10mins from The Vines) 15 mins to Claisebrook, change and go one stop to Burswood. Met a lovely Lady from South Africa at the station, she was asking about which train to catch etc. When we changed at Claisebrook, we set off in the wrong direction, as usual, for the next platform and she got our attention  OOOOO   OOOOOO, just like all the old biddies years ago used to, it really made me laugh. Now a days we generally shout “excuse me”. Ahh sod ya, it made me laugh anyway.

So there we are waiting for the train, not many of us, but then he spots us, but we don’t spot him THE NUTTER!!! walking straight towards me, hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day mate, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Jason, yep that was his name, about 25, broadest Aussie accent you can possibly imagine, dressed head to toe in Australian stuff, Aussie socks, Aussie shorts, Aussie shirt, Aussie neckerchief, Aussie cap, Aussie rucksack, Aussie flag, Sneakers with an Aussie flag emblem on. Personal hygiene was very suspect, he had the cloth type plasters on about four fingers, you know the sandy colour ones, looked like they had been there for a week, his skin was a dry as a nuns, he had a bit of whisker just coming off the bottom of his lower lip, I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be there or he had missed it that morning shaving, teeth looked like they had never seen a toothbrush, never mind a dentist, plus the regulatory speech impediment.

Well, he insisted on shaking Peter’s and Niamh’s hand, approaching them individually and asking them their names, I thought he was gonna kiss Niamh, ‘cus when she said her name, of course he didn’t catch it so lent down and turned his head to the side and asked again. He still didn’t quite get it but made a pretty valliant attempt, considering is IQ was probably -341, and his speech impediment.

Then he spotted OUR WEND, trying to hide behind a 3 inch diameter pole, I think she thought she was in one of them cartoons, where Tom can stand behind a twig and not be seen when Jerry comes past.

“That’s my Wife there Jason, Wendie” Off he went hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day Wendie, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Now people who know Our Wend, will be right about now wetting themselves. There was no way out, out went her hand, fingers to the floor, back of the hand to the sky, I swear he contemplated kissing it. The look on her face, upper body back, head back, nose as though someone had just shoved a skunk under it. He had the biggest smile on his face you have ever seen. He’d just made four new friends!!

Well me an Jase chatted a while and then the train arrived. There were a few more people about by now and as The Burswood was only one stop, the train itself was full.

“Keep well away from him” were the final words of Our Wend as we boarded, “Got ya” I said.

We shuffled and jostled to get on and soon the train was in motion. As you can imagine everyone was in a good mood, were all off to the tennis aren’t we? Lot of crinklies, must be a popular day out for them. I altered my position a bit and turned 180, yep you’ve guessed it, Jason is standing right next to me looking straight at me. That was ok, ish, but we then went through the same palaver as we had when we were standing on the platform. Our Wend kept her distance, so as not to have to endure the handshake again.

Well as I’m standing next to him and its only a five minute ride

“Big supporter of Aussie sport then Jason?”

“Yeah, follow it all, I got a ticket for the tennis today”

“Do you live in Perth?”

“Yeah”

“Been to The Hopman Cup a few times then?”

“No, never, but I got a ticket for today”

“Yeah, so you said”

“I’m Australian, I support Australia, come on Australia”

“Do you know who’s playing today?”

“Where?”

“AT THE TENNIS”

“No, but I’ve got a ticket for today”

Blimey I didn’t know 5 minutes could last so long!!

“Who got you your ticket”

“For what?”

“THE TENNIS, TODAY”

“Oh I did”

“Why didn’t you get one for yesterday?”

“Why”

“Because Australia played yesterday!!!” went straight over his head that one.

“What football team do you support?” he asked

“Eh?”

“What football team do you support?”

“Aston Villa”

“Who?

“Never mind, who do you support?”

Just then, the train stopped, I couldn't get off fast enough “see ya Jason gotta go, you have a good day”

“Come on Australia” was the last thing I heard him say.
After a short queue, we were inside, Our Wend insisted that the first thing we do was, yes, some of you will have guessed it, WASH our hands after our hand shake experience with Jason!!!

Our seats were the very back row parallel to the court. Boy, it was hot up there, everyone and I mean everyone had some thing they were trying to fan themselves with. The air conditioning just wasn’t man enough for the job, and they were only using half the place. I dread to think what its like when its full.

Well we were all kitted out, we had taken goodies, drinks etc and had a fab time. My/our first pro tennis tournament.

Laura Robson was up first, (Niamh got her photo taken with her) playing the butch looking lesbo. Laura was the better player, for the first 5 games!! She lost. Next up Andy Murray, loads of support for him, the Union Jack being waved vigorously by the supporters. Half a dozen Scots just in front of us were waving HOMEMADE ( in true Scottish tradition!!) Saltire’s. The Union Jack would probably have burnt a hole in the palm of their hand!!

Peter was not that interested in watching the tennis at all, he had his head in a book most of the time. When we went for some refreshments, in one corner they had some form of fun tennis for the kids, couldn’t get Peter off it, ah well.

It’s so hot in the Burswood, we had now drank all the water that we had brought with us, so I set off to try and find some water fountains to replenish our stock. All public places here in Perth, parks, shopping centres, cinema’s, cricket grounds have plenty of free chilled water dotted around, NOT in The Burswood apparently, “you have to pay for it” the steward told me when I enquired, or refill from the toilet. Not ideal as its always very warm. So, nearest refreshment hut,

“Two bottles of water please”

“No probs, $9 please”,

“WHAT, have you got that right?” $4.50 each!! (3 quid a bottle). I probably over reacted a bit in hindsight as he was only the ‘messenger’. I told him where he could shove ‘em, and not very politely.

Other alternatives were beer, $6 a bottle, the bottle was bigger than the water,

 or cappuccino, $4 a cup. I ain’t giving the kids coffee with all that caffeine in it!!

“I don’t like beer” Peter and Niamh said

“Don’t be so bloody ungrateful, you’ll get used to it, if you can’t drink it I’ll have it” Honestly kids nowadays!!

Got back to our seats, Our Wend starts complaining that I didn’t bring here a beer.

“But you don’t like beer!!”

When the players go back to their seats, they play all the current pop songs, me and Niamh were giving it the dancing treatment, ‘Bump”, ‘Twist’, you name it. As they went back to play, Peter and Niamh were entertaining themselves by shouting, ‘Come on Andy’ or ‘Go Laura’, don’t know why they found it so funny.

Well in true GB tradition, Murray and Robson snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. They never looked like losing until they actually did! A good day was had by all though.

We did spot Jason one last time, he had a new friend and was standing in line waiting for a photo, like the one Niamhy had with Laura, Our Wend was well chuffed when we managed to get past him before he spotted us.

Leaving The Burswood was a very strange experience, we all had to go back out through the single persons revolving door that we had entered by, took forever. This is, I'm told, because the roof is like a tent, and if they open the huge escape doors, the roof comes down on top of your head. Slight design fault me thinks.Next time The Palmers arrive (thats Clive and Jo)

The Vines and the The Ashes

So our on the road experience was behind us, and a truly great trip it was too.

Our return coincided with picking up the keys for the house. We had been lucky in one sense, as we did not have any where to live when we returned.  We got a call, at about 11am, the day before we were due to go on the road, from an Agent who was willing to show us a furnished property, at 4pm that afternoon, at a place called The Vines. We had no idea where this was, but our circumstances dictated that we had to look at it. It was also unusal that the agent would give us a personal viewing.

So we set off, directions in hand. As usual, we got lost, The Vines is a resort area, which has two golf courses and full leisure facilities, tennis courts, squash courts, gym and two pools, as well as restaurants and bars, but it’s about 40 minutes from the beach area we had been living.

Any way, we were all pleasantly surprised just how nice it was, great little spot, in a cul de sac, three bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, lounge, dining area and snug. After the viewing we went to The Resort itself, had a couple of beers, generally checked it out and decided it was for us. Whilst, sitting on the terrace, bugger me didn’t we get our first proper view of wild kangaroo’s, there were dozens of them hopping all over the golf course.

We called the agent the next morning and told her we would have it.

Wednesday 1^st December, a very busy day was ahead. We left the dump that was The Swan Valley Caravan Park went to the agents, filled in all the forms, paid the dosh and collected the keys to 14 Watervista Close, The Vines, Perth WA 6069. It’s on Google earth if you wanna take a look. Unloaded the motor home of all our gear, set off to the local Kia agent to pick up our NEW Rio, METALLIC silver, 5 door hatch back, in car CD, Bluetooth connection, electric windows (front only!!), parcel shelf, TINTED windows, AIR CONDITIONING. Dropped the motor home back, Our Wend picked me up, won't expand upon that, I'll let Our Wend tell you some other time, then back to the billet for a sort out.

                                                                         Cool Eh?

                                                              14 Watervista Close, The Vines
The house is about a 10 min walk, or 5 min bike ride from Resort itself, we have now joined the leisure club and the kids have been in the pool at some point every day.

We needed to get some bits and pieces, home comforts etc. The nearest decent size shopping area to where we are is a place called Midland, we had up until then being going to Joondalup, brand new, very nice, much like shopping in Solihull or Selfridges. Nothing had prepared us for MIDLAND.

WOW I just couldn’t believe my eyes, Kalgoorlie, would not of had a mention if I had been here first. I was walking around with my mouth open I thought I had been transported to Mars or dropped on the set of Little Britain. I was sitting outside the supermarket waiting for Our Wend and the kids and this chap walked by, my astonishment must have been written all over my face, because he said to me, 'yeah moyt, a lot of strange folk shop in Midland'.

It’s pretty difficult to describe the types, but they ALL have tattoo’s, in varying amounts and unusual places, but they have all got them. A very large proportion have studs sticking out of various places on their faces, and God knows where else. Hairdo’s, Mohican, cropped, Human League type, whatever that’s called, every colour you can imagine. Sizes, some 5 stone dripping wet right up to 30 stone, some walking, and a lot in electric trucks, too large to walk. This woman who was behind us at the checkout, at least 18 stone, walking, all she had in her basket was, a shower gel bottle, and at least 6 pairs of exfoliating gloves, you know them grey ones you can get, that your missus has got hanging up your shower.. Now I don’t know whether she was going home to get in the shower and try to exfoliate 9 stone off herself, but someone needs to set her straight!
Another guy we saw in the food hall had the word HOLDEN tattoed in red and very, very large letters across his shoulders. Holden is a car manufacturer over here, I think they have some sort of association with Vauxhall as the models look very similiar. Who, if they were in their right mind would have the name of a motor manufacturer tattoed on their back? Your wife, girlfriend, dog, even the infamous Love/Hate, but I ask you. Mind you, can't imagine that anyone has took the mickey about it, he was that big he could have had Mitsubishi in the same size letters and had space to spare.

I consoled myself that this was possibly a one off experience, it wasn’t!!, but we have been a few times now, didn’t need any shopping just went for a look and a good laugh! Wendie was there just before Christmas and withnessed a couple of guys trying to knock lumps out of each other over a car parking space. Midland, I love it.

Since moving into the house, we have had one or two creepy crawlie experiences, we've seen lots of lizards, and gekko's, plus one or two very very scary looking spiders, but most have been OUTSIDE the house. The first one was actually our first night and I thought Our Wend was gonna have kittens and we would have to move out.

We were sitting watching TV, (Oz TV is the worst I have ever experienced. Forget that its absolutely s***e, you never actually know when one programme has finished and the other one has started)) when Our Wend got up to go to the fridge, well, you would have thought she had seen a tarantula with the scream she let out. It was only a cockroach, sizeable I’ll give her that, but only a cockroach.

“we can’t stay here, we can’t stay here, WE CAN”T STAY HERE”

“it’s only a cockroach luv, it won’t hurt you”

“I can’t stay here, I can’t stay here”

“just calm down, just calm down, CRUNCH” as I put my foot on it.

“I can’t stay here Pete”

“well, as they are everywhere you go in Australia luv, where do you suggest we go and live?!!”

She eventually calmed down after I’d put a gallon of bleach down the drains and she accepted that they are part of living here. We’ve seen loads since, even in the printer. I have a sad habit of recycling paper, I had photocopied something or other and when I looked at it, there was a great colour image of a cockroach, in a very abstract position  at the foot of the page. I immediately thought that I had put the recycled page in the printer the wrong way around, until I lifted the lid and there he was twiddling his antenna's at me.

The next  CC (creepy crawlie) encounter, was when I was upstairs and Our Wend, Little Niamh and PJ were on there way up. There was an ear piercing scream from Little Niamh

“Spider, spider, spider, Mom, Dad come quickly, spider”

“Calm down, calm down” I shouted from upstairs, “sort the spider out luv will ya?”

“Pete, you need to come and see this, just look at it, its massive?” said Our Wend

“Don’t be so dramatic, just get some kitchen towel, grab it and chuck it down the toilet”

“No, no, you gotta come and see this, quick” said PJ

“I’m busy at the mo”, I wasn’t, just can’t stand spiders and I know I would have had to do the catching!

They eventually caught it and down the loo it went, although I didn’t see it, thank God, Peter reckons it was a Huntsman, which are very common here, not life threatening but very scary. The have a diameter of 6
inches, big compared to what we are used to in the UK. 

It was about 9pm, Little Niamh is sitting on the sofa and she spots a……………….………………………………………………..SNAKE, yes a ******* SNAKE, we all saw it, the smell of discharging bowels in the room would knock you out!!! Yep, it looked like a snake, it moved like a snake, PJ couldn’t help himself, he wanted to get as close as poss, I’m worried he gets too close. As it turns out, PJ gets close enough to spot it has tiny little legs, it’s only a Gekko, thank goodness. Panic over. PJ, ever a source and fountain of knowledge, some would say, other might say bleedin’ know all, proceeds to tell us that’s a good thing, because they eat cockroaches, so we should just leave it to go wherever it wants in the house. Its one way of keeping the cockroach population down. Gekko/snake immediately goes from public enemy number one, to our friend called George, thanks for that Little Niamh. The kids come down every morning now calling “Geroge, George where are you?”

The Ashes test cricket has rolled into town, as have me old mates John Rose and Chris Lea, some of you will not know them, most of you will!! John arrived on Friday 10^th December, quite late and was collected by his good friend John Pritchett, who’s hospitality he would be enjoying for the duration of his stay.

Saturday 11^th December, 8am, Rosie is on the mobile

“Skerritt? Rosie here, fancy breakfast at The Blue Duck, Cottesloe Beach? Can only do brekkie today, I’m meeting a pal of mine at the races at midday”

“OK, no probs, see you in a bit”

So breakfast is very nice, The Blue Duck is the place to have it that’s for sure, it’s about 45 mins from The Vines, full of the world’s lovely people, some of them VERY lovely people, your hard against the beach sitting on a balcony, looking out across Cottesloe Beach to the Indian Ocean, playground to the rich and famous, with prices to match!!

Rosie decides he ain’t going to the races, he’s going to show me around for a couple of hours. Uh Uh, sounds dangerous.

We ended up in a place called Subiaco, very stock broker belt ish. He pointed out a few eatery’s that me and Our Wend should try out at sometime or other. The main attraction was the Subiaco Hotel, or ‘The Subie’ as it’s affectionately known. This, according to Rosie, is where the Aussie cricket team hang out when they are in town. Although it’s a ‘Hotel’ in actual fact it’s not, it’s a pub! According to Rosie, hotels in Oz  are pubs!

“So, what does that make The Hyatt Hotel?” seemed a reasonable question to me. Can’t tell you here what Rosie said, but for those who know Rosie, you can guess.

Its 11.30am now,

“Shall we have a quick one?” says Rosie.

“Be rude not to” says I.

We cross the threshold, well you would have needed to be a blind man not to instantly realise what the Aussie cricket team’s attraction to this place was, or any other team for that matter!!

It, on a Saturday anyway, appeared to be the meeting place, to do lunch, for all the wives and girlfriends of all the wealthy males in this and the surrounding suburbs, whilst hubby is indulging in his favourite Saturday pastime.

They are NOT casually dressed, they all look like they have just stepped off the set of ‘Desperate Housewives’, in fact they make the cast of that show look like paupers.

                                                    I don't think anyone has noticed I'm p****d

What did you say?

To say that me and Rosie looked under dressed and out of place would be an understatement. That did not deter us, as 5 hours and 6 pints later, we emerged!! I refused to drive, so Rosie did!

Now when Rosie visits Perth he only ever stays with John Pritchett, he lives in Cottesloe, which is pretty much where it’s at in Perth, close to everything that’s Perth. Now, The Vines, well Rosie thought we had left Western Australia by the time we had got there. Still had a couple of beers by the pool when we got back, before having some dinner, and you can imagine it was then early to bed. Have not been the worse for wear since leaving the UK, nearly 8 weeks, John Rose is in the country for less than 24 hours, and I'm bladdered, I've the will power of a nat!!!!!!

Yep, had a couple of rounds of golf now. First was Monday 13th December at The Lakes course, here at The Vines, great nick, greens 12 on the stimp. Played with Rosie, Little Niamh drove the buggy and we had a super day.

                                           "I am breathing in"

Also played the next day at Lake Karrinyup. Little Aston have reciprocal with them, very posh, great course though, they have had the Australian Open there a few times. I think Jack Nicklaus won it once there. Ernie Els won the Johnnie Walker there with a 22 under four round score. He didn't find it too difficult eh?

Well, had a great few days at the cricket, my good pal Chris Lea came up trumps with the tickets for me, thanks Chris. Went four days in the end, which was a first for me. Usually only go for one day, the unpredictability of the weather in the UK being the main reason for that. The last days ticket was courtesy of John Pritchett, thanks John.

Proper cricket watcher me now you know, Our Wend made me lunch everyday, fruit, sarnies, water (you can’t take booze in), crisps, you know the full works. Got the train in everyday, all the buses in the city are free to the ground. On the third day, Our Wend and Little Niamh came into town and whilst we were at the cricket, they went 'lolly popping'. Met a real nice Geordie guy, Shaun, on the train, who invited us on the Sunday to his twin kids third birthday party. Top bloke.

Once you are in the ground, there are places all over the ground where you can get sunscreen, ice cold water and bags of ice for your coolers and its all free.

What me? Been a cricket watcher for years mate

In some ways, mostly sitting next to a complete stranger, you see far more cricket, also having the packed lunch. The prospect of the beer breaks is something that you really look forward to. Large areas of the ground are also alcohol free, so there is no drinking in the seating areas anyway. Not to popular with the locals are also the rules about buying beer. Up until 2pm you can buy four beers at a time, this is 4.20 pounds for about 3/4 of a pint!! If you buy 4, 16.80, and you need a tray, they charge 50p for a cardboard 'thingy' to carry them in!!. After 2pm, you can only by two beers at a time and after 4pm its just one. Some of the guys were going mental.
Took Little Pete day three, (that was a real highlight, although he read books most of the day), the day the streaker showed up.

The tickets I had for that day were in the scoreboard stand. This was a temporary stand that they erect for test matches only, to the left of the scoreboard. It does not have a roof and therefore it’s got the sun full on it ALL DAY.

                                                               Frying Pan on the left

If you couple that with the fact that the flooring is metal, you feel like your cooking, me and Pete nick named it ‘The Frying Pan’. The morning wasn’t too bad, as it was quite cool, but in the afternoon, it was sizzling, literally. PJ had to go walkabout every 10 mins to get out of the sun.

He was in his seat when the streaker appeared, I'd got some really powerful binoculars with me, which Peter immediately trained on the streaker, 'Oh that’s disgusting' he said, got “a real good shot” before the security and Police managed to cover the chaps bits and pieces. I'm told it’s an $8,000 fine for streaking in public over here. Have to say, he didn't look like he would have $8, never mind $8k!!!!!!

The Barmey Army were in fine voice throughout the event, including the bugler, they managed to wind up quite a few Aussies, which did result in the odd scuffle here and there, mainly because the Aussies couldn’t bite back on the wit like the Barmey boys could. On the whole nothing too serious though, all good clean fun.

            This is the view from the deck of the pub that The Barmey Army made their headquarters.

Everyday bar non, I met Chris Lea and his two boys, Tom and Richard at lunch time and tea for beers. Boy those beers tasted good.  By the way you guys, I hear you finally made it to The Subie!!!!!

On the last day I was in the Members area, pretty cool place, saw how the other half had seen the game, very nice and as you might imagine, air conditioned. At the end of the game the Aussie players were chucking, autographed, what looked like real cricket balls, into the crowd. One ball didn’t make it and ended up on a sun awning just below us. After a while a gust of wind blew it into the crowd below. The guy who picked it up’ looked up at us, quick as a flash I shouted “Hey, I’ve just dropped that”, good as gold he threw it up to me. Nice little momento, it had been signed by Steve Smith, the guy standing next to me didn’t look too impressed.

Shame about the result in the end but had a brilliant time, just wish I was going to Melbourne and Sydney.

So we left the ground tails between our legs and headed off to met Chris and the boys for a beer in the town. The whole place was pretty quite, I guess with it finishing early everyone had headed off to do whatever it is they do on a normal Sunday.

Said my good byes to Chris, wouldn't see he now until God knows when, and they set off with Rosie to The Subie!!

I headed for the train, as Our Wend and the kids were picking me up at the station and we were going to that kids party.
Eventually found Shauns house, nice place, got its own pool, the kids were made up, pool, other kids, sweets, heaven. About 15 adults there, all of them bar 1 was a Geordie, everyone made us really welcome. Our Wend said that she would drive back, so we just took the one bottle of fizzy red with us! Well, she was sitting with all the girlies, rabbiting, whilst trying to remove the cork from this WARM bottle of fizzy red. The top eventually came off and half the contents ended up on at least 6 of the folk sitting around her. The Skerritts had landed, they won't forget us in a hurry. Had a very nice time and in true tradition were the last to leave. Anyway, the red wine debacal must have been forgotten, because we have been invited over again, or it may have been because Our Wend did all the washing up after the do, whats she like eh?

I was hoping to get a game of golf in with Chris and Rosie before they both left but we all just ran out of time. I met Rosie for a farewell beer at The Subie, to show him some DVD’s of past golf trips, Bacchanalian days out and Bachs on Tour. They were good times, some fallen heroes, Jim Ryan, Richard Parker, real good days those were. No one had white hair in those days. Although Rosie doesn’t have white hair these days either!

Poignant, makes you appreciate a lot of stuff, eh Rosie, ‘Oh, think twice, just another day for you and me in paradise’

All is still good here, every day we set off about 4pm on our bikes to the pool. Kids have a couple of hours in there, whilst me and Our Wend chill out with a beer and a glass of wine, or two. It was the other evening whilst we were chilling that the subject of getting a window cleaner came up. Not quite sure why I didn't think at the time that I could do it, not as if I haven't got the time. Well, as it happenned Our Wend had the number of a window cleaner, so she gave him a call.
Our house has three patio windows, and 4 ordinary windows, she relayed this to our window cleaner friend, for a price for inside and out..
"Yep............Yep............ok, thanks, I'll let my husband know and come back to you."
She turned to me, "how much do you think?"
I thought for a minute, related it to our house in the UK and the office "40 bucks?"
I've known Our Wend over 20 years and I have never, never, never seen her laugh like she did. She was laughing that much she couldn't tell me what he had said.
She eventually calmed down and she told me, $350 (in todays money 229 quid), for Gods sake don't anyone tell Johnny Wootten. It was a days work according to him!! We are going to be window cleaners, not everyday, just a couple of days a week should do it.

Well its Christmas, and there seems to be a tradition with some folk over here to decorate you house with as much as you possibly can, I gather the local rag runs a competiton for the best one.
We went to Ocean Reef one night and had a look around one particular cul-de-sac, which it would seem that the residents have a competition between themselves. Its quite a surreal experience looking at Christmas stuff whilst walking around wearing flip flops and shorts.
Im finishing this off Christmas day night, sad eh? We have just got back from the pool, 40 degrees today folks, Skyped the Edwards and Palmers, tried to Skype Chris Leech, talked to or kid and his Clan in bonny Scotland and feeling pretty sentimental.
Have a wonderful Christmas everyone, and a very happy and prosperous New Year, above all make sure you keep in touch.
The Skerritts.