Pros & Cons

We will have been here 4 months on the 1^st March, the days seem to just fly by.

We thought we would try to give you a bit of insight into the Aussie way of life from a new arrival prospective.

Everyone we meet couldn’t be more welcoming, in fact they are nearly all expats, who have done what we are doing, 5, 10, 15, 20+ years ago, most have kids that were born here. Clearly the ones we have met enjoy it and won’t be going back, but we have met a few who have experienced the ‘Boomerang’ effect. This is when they have arrived, didn’t like it, went home, didn’t like it, came back, didn’t like it and so on. Most end up returning and at some stage realise that Australia is for them.

The climate here is clearly the number 1 plus point. It’s 99% guaranteed, you can plan to do anything, it is never disrupted by the weather. In fact, even the short period that we have been here, we now take it for granted. Many decisions regarding outdoor activities are based on how hot it might be, unlike the UK not how cold or wet it will be!!

Kids sports activities are generally cancelled if its above 37 degrees, as do all works on building sites, but they get full pay. Almost like wet time in reverse I guess.

We have done stuff here, that I would not have contemplated back home, like paying up front for a 5 day cricket test match would be top of the list. I have seen more first class cricket here in the last two months, than I saw in my 52 years living in the UK.

I would not of attempted the Winnebago trip either, and that has been perhaps the highlight since we got here.

The kids have now started school and we are always planning to do stuff straight after they finish, golf, fishing, bike riding, pool, or the kids just play in the street with the other kids in the road, problems weather wise are just not an issue.

First fish ever for The Skerritts, caught by Little Niamh

Should have bought me specs really

Yuo are never gonna guess in a million years who fell in the river. we had only been there 10 minutes

Soaked

Damp

This is how you do it.

Most schools here look brand new, in fact Peter’s is, its 12 months old and has 150 pupils. His now issue Apple Mac wordbooks instead of exercise books, can’t tell you how excited he was about that.

2nd February 2011

Little Angels!!!!!!!

Me and Our Wend have even taken to the golf course on a few occasions, the only slight worry is, would it be too HOT! (the weather not the golf), last Wednesday we underestimated it and I damn nearly died. If it wasn’t for the fact we only played nine holes, (I actually only played 8, I walked the last hole!!) and the couple of ice cool beers at the end I probably would have died.

Me and Our Wend have not ventured out in the evenings on our own to any of the many restaurants that are in this area. We have been to a couple of places and taken the kids, these eateries came highly recommended by the locals defined as in the ‘fabulous’category. Well I gotta tell ya, they ain’t. There is a distinct lack of good quality places to eat. The two we have eaten at were German theme, which most of them seem to be, much along the lines of Austrian ski resorts, German sausage, pigs knuckles, sour kraut, that sort of thing. Won’t be going back in a hurry I can tell you.

Ischgul, no, Swan Valley, WA

I’ am told that there as some restaurant in the ‘seriously’ good category, these seem to be in the more affluent areas, which are a ways from where we are, so we may give them a try during the day when the kids are at school. Watch this space.

There are loads of McDonalds, Red Rooster, Hungry Jacks (Burger King in the UK), KFC and Chicken Treat. Whilst we have visited some of these once or twice, judging by the size of our Aussie mates these are by far the most popular eateries. Some of the kids her are ginormous. Considering the emphasis on sport, it’s pretty incredible.

I was at a petrol station recently, there was a young girl, a very large young girl at least 20 stone, who came out of the kiosk, went to a manhole and proceeded to kneel down, I assume she was taking some sort of reading from an underground tank. She was wearing grey track suit bottoms, which took some guts to wear, most of the said guts were on display, cheers thanks for that. As she walked, vast amounts of her moved like they had a life of their own, as if dozens of small animals were stuck beneath her skin and trying to get out. Anyway, as she bent over, and at a quick glance I could have sworn that it was the rear end of a baby elephant, truth. Every detail but the little grey tail.

There are very few indian or chinese restaurants, the ones that are here are not supposed to be too good, but not even tried them yet. We did have a curry in a market place recently and it was not too bad to be honest.

We do a lot of barbecuing; as do all the folk we have met here. Most folk tend to invite you around at say 5-5.30, and the evening is pretty much over by 8/9. Yeah, I know it suits me as I’m falling asleep about that time. Yeah, yeah.

The quality of all the meat here is ‘sensational’, to quote an Aussie. We have overdosed on the meat and never had a bad cut of beef, and all the chicken is corn fed, and the lamb is sensational as well. I could only ever eat the welsh lamb back home but here it’s fantastic.

The transport system here is first class. The train stations are spotless, trains and buses are clean, air conditioned, run on time and all the staff are white, speak good English, so polite and clearly enjoy their job.

The roads are in great nick, there is no litter strewn alongside them, there are few islands, it’s mostly traffic lights. I have to say when you are sitting at them you almost lose the will to live they hold you for so long, but it seems to work.

I would say that Perth drivers are abysmal, probably the worst I have ever come across. They have absolutely no road sense and are totally unaware of anyone else on the road. Not just women drivers, all drivers.

I was listening to a traffic report on the radio the other day; they were reporting a traffic jam on one of the north Perth roads, caused by two Emu’s who were on the loose, different eh? They also tell you to watch out for the kangaroo’s at dawn and dusk, as they are attracted to the lights off your car. Most mornings we see dead ones at the side of the road. Much like squirrels, pheasants and badgers back home but much, much bigger.

The other stuff our Aussie boys and girls are really obsessed with are tattoos and piercings, there is hardly anyone who doesn’t have one or the other or both. I sometimes wonder whether I just notice them because most folk are dressed for the beach all the time, but there does seem to be a way of life attached to it. I personally think the Māori ones are not too bad, but here they really are obsessed with brighter and more colourful the better, some have whole bodies that look like Hawaiian shirts.

As for piercings, most, girls in particular, have more metal in them than a grenade victim.

Newspapers, really only one daily, The West Australian, much along the lines of the Mail. However they do have at least 4/5 pages of ‘Discreet’ adverts. One just recently said “I do what your wife won’t”, I sent here a text asking how much to clean the windows, never got a reply, must have been bullshit!!!! Very little international news in any of them, very concentrated on what’s going on in Australia, and more in particular, Western Australia. Sunday, again only one, The Times, has more supplements than Holland & Barrett.

There is an abundance of shopping centres, the really big ones by us are at Joondalup, Karrinyup and Ellenbrook. They really are spectacular places, the only UK name that I have seen in any of them is Specsavers, no M&S, NEXT, Dotty P’s, etc, etc, told ya, a cartel!!

There are only three supermarkets here, Coles, Woolworths and IGA, and believe me they are running a cartel. We heard recently that Aldi were trying to get a foothold over here, but they have been knocked back, no-one really knows why. All I would say that the supermarket guys here are the old style brewers of the UK, they control pretty much everything. All three are the top performers on the stock exchange, there financials are consistently in the ‘brilliant’ category. Always, always tipped as a buy.

Cost of living is pretty batty, not helped by the cartel and more importantly the current exchange rate, milk $3 a litre, bread $4 a loaf, eggs $4 a dozen, corn flakes $6 a box. I have no idea how they compare to the UK, I just here Our Wend talking to others about it!! What I can tell you is a round of golf with a buggy here at The Vines is 62 quid, 9 holes at Joondalup with a buggy is 30 quid, 9 holes at Chequers or Carramar, without a buggy is 9 quid (the Pro at Carramar is from Aberystwyth would you believe. I turned up there in me Aberdovey golf shirt and he asked if I had played there, small world or WHAT),  a 24 pack of Carlton Fusion (in bottles the same size as Corona, its lovely stuff, I’m addicted, just gonna go and get meself one, be back in a bit…………………………ahhhhhh that’s better) is 27 quid, a single bottle in a bar is 3.75 quid, pint of Carlton Draught (bit like Carling) is 5 quid, a nice bottle of red 20 quid at the golf club, a nice bottle of fizzy red from the bottle shop is 5 quid, a litre of fuel can be anything from 76p to 87p, depending on the day of the week (really, fuel can jump 5/6p a litre overnight, the locals tell you not to fill up on a Tuesday or Thursday) them are the numbers that count eh lads.

The kids here are very respectful to adults.  We were going into the public library the other day and there were a few kids kicking a football in this huge foyer, nothing too drastic, so I told them that they should be doing that outside, good as gold, no lip, just picked the ball up and went outside. Had another time when a bunch of kids got up and left a McDonalds without clearing all the rubbish off the table. The young manager ran after them and call them back, again they just came back cleared it all away, no drama’s no lip. I really hope they hang onto that sort of thing.

You probably heard about the fires and cyclones here. Fires were pretty bad, there were two fire areas, one in The Swan Valley, less than a mile from us as the crow flies, the other is more serious and south of The Swan River, about 10 miles as the crow flies. They have just put out an arrest warrant for a police man who they reckon started the fire south of the river. They reckon he was doing some a sort of angle grinding and the sparks are what started it. He has done a bunk and they are now very worried 'cus they can't find him.

The cyclones, bad ones anyway, were nowhere near us, neither were the floods. Mind you it was very touching how all the Aussies stuck together during those times, there were loads of fund raising events for the folk in Queensland, all very patriotic. Check this out.

On Saturday just gone, at Karrinyup Shopping Centre (yes, Western Australia) the Variety Club Youth Choir organized a FLASH MOB where they all were incognito in the Food Hall, and started standing up in groups singing "We are Australians" 

The purpose was to raise money for the QLD floods. Each time it is clicked on, money is raised thru google ads, SO PLEASE WATCH!!!!!! It is a beaut way of suppporting those poor ozzies over on the other side of our country.

Goto - http://www.youtube.com/storytellermedia

 

I had a call from the Department of Immigration yesterday asking when we were going home. I asked why, they said that since we got here they have had nothing but fires, floods and cyclones!!!!!

We had a further demonstration of how patriotic Australians are when we went into Perth City Centre for the Australia Day celebrations. We were at Langley Park, right along the side of the river Swan, great spot. Loads for the kids to do, live bands, Eval Keneval type motorbike displays, air displays, helicopter fly byes, inflatable slides, bucking bronco's, beach volley ball areas ALL FREE!! Most of the areas were what they designated as alcohol free, this definitely contributed to the complete lack of aggro. At 8pm they had the most incredible fire work display that I had ever seen, all launched from 7 floating platforms in the middle of The Swan River, lasted 30 minutes, allegedly cost $500,000, I can believe it. No sooner had the fireworks finished, everyone wrapped up and set off home, all very organised, buses and trains laid on, very civilised.

No, its our next door neighbour, Raani.

Noisy b******s

Ride 'em cowgirl

There were two bucking bronco's abreast. The idea was that it would be the first to fall off. After half an hour, he still hadn't fallen off so he was asked to get off!!!!!!

They made me wear the helmet.



They really don't like having their picture taken do they (Ella from next door)?



And he is still bloody on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Finally, thought this might be of interest to all your construction folk.

The Oswals, an Indian couple, were having this house built in Mosman Park reputedly costing $70 million.

Their family fertilizer company here in Perth has just gone tits for $900 million. The administrators have seized the proposed house, his $50 million yacht, $35 million Gulfstream jet, plus his Ferraris and various other top of the range motor vehicles.

He had a local shipping company send 7 articulated vehicles and enter his current residence in Perth, under cover of darkness at 4am in the morning, to gather all their belongings and send them to Dubai, to his new abode which sits close by to a $400 million dollar fertilizer plant he is having built in The Emirate!!!!!
All the subbies, or Tradies as they call them over here, were not allowed to have any meat products of any kind in there tucker bags (eh, more Aussie speak). So, instead of eating it they used to put in in the concrete mixer and it got all mashed up, its now part of the concrete construction of the partly finished, never to be completed house!!

They ain’t coming back to Perth.

'Palmered'

I should first explain what being ‘Palmered’actually means.

The phrase 'Palmered' was first coined by Sue Gaunt many drinking sessions ago and describes your general alcoholic condition, post socialising with Colin Palmer. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we plan to abstain, it NEVER works.

And I can also tell you, it runs in the family!

                                             Shark deterrent - male version!!

                                              With Wyfi

Himself

                     Lewis & Holly. She looks like she's been Palmered

Colin’s younger brother, Clive and his family, wife Jo, son Lewis and daughter Holly have been in Australia since before Christmas travelling around the country visiting various City’s and tourist spots. If I tried really hard I could possibly remember where they had been, but unfortunately being ‘Palmered’ seriously affects your memory, know what I mean?

Their arrival in Perth was the final destination on their trip and would you believe, they were staying for a few days with a relative on The Vines, less than a ¼ of a mile from our gaff. I got a call from Clive at about 4.30pm on the Monday and arranged to meet him at The Vines at 5.30 – 6 o’clock. At this stage I didn’t realise being ‘Palmered’ ran in the family, although I do know that Clive, how can I best put this, mmmmmm let me think, yeah, is completely and utterly crackers.

Well you can imagine the excitement as they all arrived, man hugs, girl hugs, bear hugs you name it. Clive’s relative, Karen and her daughter Natalie, must have thought what the hell is going on. They hadn’t seen nothing yet!!

The beer started to flow, we got louder, Our Wend and Jo got cruder and drunker (not sure that’s a word). About 2 hrs into it, another couple joined us, it turned out to be Karen’s sister in law Thelma and her husband John. The guy was probably in his late sixties, and he looked very familiar.

Ok, me and Clive set off to the bar again, got more beer, plus the g&t’s, wines blah de blah de blah.

Clive was telling me about the trip exploits to date, focusing a fair bit on how expensive Oz is, colourfully and graphically describing it. Folk who know Clive will know what I mean, but for those of you who don’t, the use of the strong expletives, ALL OF THEM is a HUGE part of Clive’s vocabulary. The word colourful, doesn't do it justice

Me, John and Our Wend were in bits, Karen and Thelma, really didn’t know what to make of it. Lewis and Holly, bless, were just rolling their eyes skywards in a “oh Dad, not that one again please”

The next trip to the bar, John came with us and stood his corner, topman. Whilst at the bar, we chatted,( he said I looked very familiar), turns out they were originally from Redditch and had been living on The Vines for 5 years. John, obviously retired now, used to be the Works Engineer at a company in Birmingham called Samuel Heath. And that’s when we realised the connection. Samuel Heath's had a factory fire some years ago and Skerritt Electrical had carried out the replacement electrical works, small world or WHAT?

The drinking and story telling continued, until Karen suggested we all went back to her gaff for a barbie. So, we quickly went back home got all the stuff (beer mainly) and met back at hers ½ hour later. John bless him did all the cooking, he was in fits of laughter at Clive, I thought he would wet himself. He said at the end of the night it was by far the best night he had had here since he arrived.
A great time was had by all, the evening finishing circa 11pm, we was 'Palmered', well and truly.

Didn’t see Clive then for a couple of days, thank goodness, he was seeing other rellies and taking in the sites, we were chilling. Tough life in Oz you know, you gotta be pretty hard!!

We then got a call from him that he had booked a table at the Rose and Crown in Guildford for 7pm. Can’t believe it can you, R&C in Guildford?

The troop met up, less Thelma and John, but we were joined by Natalie and her boyfriend, and pretty much had a repeat of the Barbie evening.



Don't know about you but if I had just had 10 days in the mines, the food could wait!!!!!

Nat's boyfriend had just finished a 10 day shift at the mines up north, and was embarking on his 5 days off. He is a trainee structural engineer I think, not easy to remember when you've been fully "Palmered' once and you were well on your way to number 2! Anyway, this kid, sorry can't remember his name, but he was a kid, just 20, is on $100,000 a year!!! Fortunately for me, the bar closed at 11am, which helped my overall condition for the next day. Well and truly ‘Palmered’ though!!

Chilling

                                                                   I have no idea!!!

The Beverley Sisters

Your always laughing Jo

Next up was a couple of days later, (notice a pattern emerging?) when they had relocated to Observation City Hotel, Scarborough Beach. I think Clive moved in on the Thursday and two days previous there had been a shooting at the hotel, drug related, where a women had received non fatal gunshot wounds to her torso. Niiiiice plaaaaaace.
We had loaded up all the surf and bodyboards and met them on the beach. This I thought was safe from being 'Palmered', as there is no drinking allowed on the beach and Clive and Jo had got some relly's coming over in the evening. Mind you I sometimes think I ain't that bright!!
Everything was going swell, the surf was up and I mean up, all the kids were having a go, I was in the water helping 'em, when Clive decides he wants to have a go at the surfing. Well, soz Clive, but I ain't no Adonis meself when it comes to physique, but I gotta be a couple of stone lighter and maybe 6 inches taller, but chwarae teg (fair play in Welsh) he had a go. Main problems were, the beer gut, short legs, lack of training, and the board he was on was designed for an 11 year old!! everytime he did get on, the board went below the water line, NOT ideal when your trying to surf!!!. Lewis did brilliantly, real surfer dude he is, and he stuck at it.

This was great, I had been with a Palmer for almost 4 hours and I was still lucid, not had a drink. Clive looked over at me, he looked absolutely buggered,

                                         Just finishing off burying Peter

                                                    The man did good

I knew he wouldn't stay buried long

Surfer dudes



                                                       Looking for that magic wave

                                                        Clive is in here somewhere!!

                                                                 Like the hat?

                                                             I'm dying for the loo!!!

“I’m going to the loo’ he said “you coming Pete?” nod nod wink wink.

“Oh yeah, yeah, yeeeah, now that you mention it I could do with a pee meself”

Three hours later, drinking in The Stamford Arms, having solved the world’s problems, and took the piss out of most of the Aussies in the bar, we retired to the hotel pool area and joined up with the rest of the family.

Goodness gracious me, would you believ that, the pool bar is open,

                                                        Niamh has bagged a hunk

“Fancy a drink Pete?”

“Yeah, why not!!”

The hotel had a great pool area, which was located on the 10^th floor, if my memory serves me right. Clive told us the hotel itself was nice, his first room was not what they had ordered. The room they are in now was number 1403, the shooting had been in 1404!!

Cheers

                                           

                                                         Don't you just love 'em, They are so shy!!
I think the girls had been partaking in the loony juice by the pool, because they were having fits of laughter about this 70+ year old guy in turquoise Speedo’s no less, with a small monkey nut tucked down the front of them!!


Do you reckon that is a monkey nut down the front of his Speedo's?

It didn’t end there, Clive said we may aswell hang a round and have dinner with them. Oh dear!! We got ready for dinner and set off for a local fish and chip shop, where Karen and Natalie joined us (boyfriend wasn't in tow, perhaps she had worn him out!!!), and we carried on supping, would you believe. I have to say that we were still compus mentos, but never the less still “Palmered”.

We gained a member that night as Holly came for a 'sleepover' with Niamhy, Lewis wouldn't come, I think he's a bit big for that kind of stuff.

Lunch at Hillary’s Boat yard was sorted for the next day, we met and got the kids sorted in the water park then wandered off to find somewhere to settle for the afternoon. At Hillary’s there are only about three places that are actually allowed to sell liquor, most of them were pretty full, but thankfully we found somewhere. They had a promotion on, 4 bottles of Corona, in a bucket for $20, so we literally had 4 buckets of that. The girlies had some sort of fizzy stuff, 4 to a bucket aswell, so they had two buckets of that.

We had taken the laptop so we could Skype the other Palmer clan, so we did a bit of that, which was good fun, Clive was his normal self.

The restaurant we were in then couldn’t serve us anymore as they had to stop serving booze between certain times, so we set off for The Breakwater, a favourite haunt of Perth’s lovely people, together with lovely prices!! Clive was so taken aback that he couldn’t help taking a photo of the bill for ONE round (the exchange rate at the mo is $1.50 to the pound.)

We made a few more purchases in there and by the time it was time to go, I was, yes you’ve guessed it ‘Palmered’.

Sunday was Clive and Jo's last day so we decided on an early start for a day trip to Rottnest Island, or Rotto (pronounced Roddo by the locals), some 22kms off the coast.

Rottnest is 11k long and 4.5k at its widest point, the name Rottnest comes from the Dutch ‘Rattenest’, funnily enough meaning rats nest. This is due to the presence of a small marsupial called a Quokka, which looks very much like a large rat (it also looks like a very small kangaroo). This is one of the only places on the planet these furry little creatures can be found mainly due to there being no feral cats or foxes on the island. They are incredibly tame and cheeky little buggers aswell.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Little b****ds



The aboriginal Noongar tribe, who were the original inhabitants before it was cut off by the sea, 30k years ago, called it ‘Wadjemup’ meaning ‘The place across the water’. It’s tough to decide who are the brightest really, the Dutch or the Abo’s!!!!

Rottnest has been a number of things over its history, it started off as a home to the Thompson family who harvested the vast amounts of salt that are present on the island, then it was a prison, where they kept all the naughty aboriginals. The henious crimes which warranted incarceration included spearing livestock (bit of Welsh in them there Abo's!!), burning bush (the mind boggles!!!) and digging up vegetables (how else you sposed to get them out of the ground?), a military defence site to defend the port of Fremantle, and would you believe a holiday island for the exclusive use of Australian politicians, there is a golf course on the island with a full membership (clearly that was a British politicians idea!!!) but it is now a protected site and a tourist destination. There endeth the history lesson.

Had breakfast at Hillary’s Boat yard before we set off, beautiful spot, looking over the marina and the zillions of dollars worth of boats.

Boarded the ferry at 10.00am, fully picniced up, for the 40 minute crossing, beautiful day, sea was as flat as a witches ***, we had not done Rotto before, so we were really looking forward to it. There are no cars allowed on Rottnest its traffic free, the only transport on the island are push bikes and bus and a small train.

It truly is a very picturesque place (the politicians certainly knew what they were doing), stunning harbour with all the day boats anchored and folk just chilling out, fishing, snorkeling, sitting around having lunch and a few drinks. If you are in the boat league, you can tie up overnight for as little as $40, if your tub sleeps 6 or more, it’s a bargain. Mind you I wonder what it costs in fuel to get there?

When we got there the first thing the kids wanted to do was get in the sea and play on the inflatables that were tethered just off shore. So we had a couple of hours of that, boy it was hot.

                                          This photo didn't work out, I was trying to get a good shot of the woman with  the 'blown up' mam's sunbathing topless on the boat in the background.
                                    

                      That's Peter in the blue, bottom left. The bald one is not Clive, he is too slim!!!!

Then we decided we should go and see a bit of the island, so off to the bottle shop, got some beers and wine and headed for the bus.

Folk on all of these boats just enjoying the afternoon sun.

And these

 We figured it would be best to pick a spot not far from Thompson bay as we had to be back at the ferry at 4.15pm. If you go too far around the island, when the bus arrives to pick you up its generally full and you could wait a long time for one you can physically fit on. So we opted for Porpoise Bay. No not a Porpoise in sight, just Quokka's, a magnificent bay and loads of fabulous boats.

We broke out the picnic and tucked into the beer and wine, we all thought we had died and gone to heaven, we were chilling out, trying to choose which yacht we would have if the Lottery came in, the kids were snorkeling and climbing the dunes. The Quokkas appeared and were checking out what food we had. It’s hard to believe they are so tame.

Time seemed to fly by and it was time to leave, so we headed for the bus, closely followed by mommy and baby Quokka.

We were right about our bus, we were only the second stop and we just about got on, it was packed. It wound its way around the perimeter of the island, which showed us all the stuff we really didn’t have time to explore, but we will definitely go back to see. I damn near fell asleep on the bus.

                                              Hard work mate, hard work!!!!!!!!!!!! Our Wend checking out the bloke sitting next to her!

Got back to where the ferry was, we only had about half hour to wait, so the kids bartered with the inflatables man for a 1 hour rate at half price, and he let them.

The crossing back to the mainland was pretty uneventful, other than we were all knackered, it’s tough doing nowt all day you know.

Back on terra firma we headed for The Breakwater, for a farewell drink, or 4, not put off at all by the prices. Thankfully Clive was aware of the busy day he had ahead of him so, he took it steady and for once I could look forward to a relatively clear head the next day.
I'll sign off now by letting you know about how Clive recently answered a Skype call from one of his pals. When the ring tone started, he dropped his trousers before answering the call and presented his bare ass, up close and personal to the screen and then hit the answer button, can you possibly imagine the reaction to that by the caller? If that doesn't give you a firm handle on the type of guy Clive is, nothing will.
We had the best time with Clive and Jo and their two wonderful kids and will remember it for a very long time to come. Thanks
The Skerritts in Oz

I"M LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET AND I'VE STILL BEEN 'PALMERED'

P.S By the way, there was not anyone bathing topless on the boat, so you can stop putting your face up against the screen or trying to increase the picture scale!!!! Pervs

P.P.S Be careful when you Skype us in the future Our Wend has got a pretty aggressive looking boil on her left arse cheek at the mo. That's just to give you a heads up when we answer that you have got the right number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Year and The Nutter

Christmas is done for another year, our first in Australia wasn’t bad, very different and we did miss all our friends, a LOT.

Christmas Day by the pool

Boxing Day, we were invited to Dave & Lynn Hunt’s place in Iluka, on the coast, about 50 minutes from The Vines.

I met Dave, a good pal of Bryan Garner, a few years ago. I don’t know him particularly well, but I made contact with him again before we got here. They have been really good to me Our Wend and the kids since we arrived, we went to their place once before and then went out for dinner.

Well they have got a fab place, big, two storey, pool, more TV’s than Dixons. We had a couple of hours watching a video, Meet the Fokkers, if you haven’t seen it, its well worth getting.

Kids had a great time in the pool, Dave has loads of stuff for his pool for when all his Grand kids come over and visit, I watched the test match from the MCG, what a luxury, plasma telly, leather seating, beer in hand, ‘appy days.

They did the barbie in the early evening, had some of their friends over to join us. All very nice and civilised.

We stayed the night as drinking and driving laws here are far more severe than in the UK, particularly at Christmas. They literally form a road block with a single decker bus, stop EVERYONE, bag ‘em, you are on the bus if you fail, and when its full your hauled off to the cop shop. All fines and points are doubled over the Christmas period.

Next day we set off for Trigg Beach, the kids were dying to use their new surf boards. Surf at Trigg was poor, so we went a bit further down to Scarborough, wasn’t much better there, but we unloaded and decided to stay for a while.

All was tickety boo, kids were doing great, really got the hang of it until we heard, about 11am, that there had been a shark alert at Trigg (about 1/2 mile away), four, 3mtr Tiger sharks and a Hammerhead.
We ploughed on regardless, me in the water helping them catch what waves there were, we must have been at it for a good two/three hours. All the time I was in the water, I kept having this slight stinging sensation, on my thighs and around me scrote. Eventually it got really uncomfortable. Turns out to be stinging jelly fish, that are almost impossible to see with the naked eye! Great, they tell me you get used to it!! Double great.
About 2pm we had the siren go off on our beach and the sharks had moved 60 metres off Scarborough, everybody out the water asap. You can’t believe it though some people just wouldn’t come out of the water!! There were four helicopters up, two jetski’s and a couple of boats, all tracking the sharks, which were very close to the shore.

Anyway, after a while I decided to go and have a chat with the Lifesaver, find out how long it may last.

“Afternoon mate, any idea how long this may last?”

“G’day, you need to wear a hat mate”

“Eh?”

“You need to wear a hat mate”

Jokingly I said, “Blimey, wish you a good afternoon and get a bollocking!”

“I got these tip top sunnies on (sunglasses) and I can see your ‘ed is burnt ‘cus yar going thin on top”

“Now your bloody insulting me”

Needless to say he had no clue to how long our fishy friends might be looking around for a meal, so we called it a day.

Just a we were leaving my Lifesaver friend shouted across, “It won’t be long na cobber they just put the shark deterrent in the whoarer”



                                                   Think I'll put me hair up to attract them.


Look at this Sharkie, have you ever seen two of these before?.



On the way home we stopped off for a Sub (Subway Sandwich) we are addicted since we got here. I think I only ever had two or three all the years they have been in the UK. There bloody lovely, although the only down side is Niamh only ever has a twelve inch lettuce ‘sub’, they class and price that as a vegetarian ‘sub’ and charge the equivalent of 6 quid for it! She also, as part of her order, always has a 5 inch diameter chocolate chip cookie, I know I can’t work it out either.

When we eventually got home Little Niamh took off her dry clothes that she had changed into at the beach. My God, you have never seen sunburn on the back of here legs like it. She obviously got it from the length of time she was lying around on the surf board and not enough sun screen on. Thank God she was not sore the next day, but its sure woke us all up to just how powerful the sun is here. Lesson learnt.

For New Year we went the The Vines, they had an outdoor bash with about a thousand people, nothing too flash, just a very large Barbie. The kids seemed to have great time, they had the run of the place, Peter took his Rip Stick, we hardly saw them all night. There was a live band, not a patch on The Bleeding Hearts I have to say, if BH's come over next year will get you the gig, ok?

I was introduced to a Scottish lad who had just arrived, we were sitting about 10 yards from the band, that, and him with a very strong Glaswegian accent, the only thing I know for sure is he is golf mad. Had no idea what he was saying, he probably didn't have a clue what I said either.

Just before the witching hour I went to the bar and bought a jug of beer and tried to buy a bottle of champagne. Uh uh, can’t have more than two drinks at a time, the jug is classed as two drinks, something to do with the licensing laws. At midnight there was the obligatory firework display, which I thought was a bit risky out in the bush, but it only lasted about 2 minutes! Went back to the bar for another jug, Jock (yep there are a lot of Scots at The Vines) and his missus who we were drinking with can put it away, bar is closed!! Literally, who in their right mind with 1000 people gagging for beer would close the bar?

So, within 10 minutes of midnight, the place was empty.

New Years Eve, while we could still get a beer

Managed to get some tickets for the Hopman Cup, a team tennis tournament held for the last twenty odd years at The Burswood Entertainment Centre here in Perth. We needed an early start as our tickets were for session one, 9.30am until 5pm. Team GB, Laura Robson and Andy Murray, were playing Italy, some butch looking lesbo (world no9) and some puffy looking greaseball (world number God knows what), not biased really.

We decided the best way was by train. We caught it at a place called Guildford (10mins from The Vines) 15 mins to Claisebrook, change and go one stop to Burswood. Met a lovely Lady from South Africa at the station, she was asking about which train to catch etc. When we changed at Claisebrook, we set off in the wrong direction, as usual, for the next platform and she got our attention  OOOOO   OOOOOO, just like all the old biddies years ago used to, it really made me laugh. Now a days we generally shout “excuse me”. Ahh sod ya, it made me laugh anyway.

So there we are waiting for the train, not many of us, but then he spots us, but we don’t spot him THE NUTTER!!! walking straight towards me, hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day mate, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Jason, yep that was his name, about 25, broadest Aussie accent you can possibly imagine, dressed head to toe in Australian stuff, Aussie socks, Aussie shorts, Aussie shirt, Aussie neckerchief, Aussie cap, Aussie rucksack, Aussie flag, Sneakers with an Aussie flag emblem on. Personal hygiene was very suspect, he had the cloth type plasters on about four fingers, you know the sandy colour ones, looked like they had been there for a week, his skin was a dry as a nuns, he had a bit of whisker just coming off the bottom of his lower lip, I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be there or he had missed it that morning shaving, teeth looked like they had never seen a toothbrush, never mind a dentist, plus the regulatory speech impediment.

Well, he insisted on shaking Peter’s and Niamh’s hand, approaching them individually and asking them their names, I thought he was gonna kiss Niamh, ‘cus when she said her name, of course he didn’t catch it so lent down and turned his head to the side and asked again. He still didn’t quite get it but made a pretty valliant attempt, considering is IQ was probably -341, and his speech impediment.

Then he spotted OUR WEND, trying to hide behind a 3 inch diameter pole, I think she thought she was in one of them cartoons, where Tom can stand behind a twig and not be seen when Jerry comes past.

“That’s my Wife there Jason, Wendie” Off he went hand stretched out for the hand shake“ G‘day Wendie, I’m Jason and I’m Australian”

Now people who know Our Wend, will be right about now wetting themselves. There was no way out, out went her hand, fingers to the floor, back of the hand to the sky, I swear he contemplated kissing it. The look on her face, upper body back, head back, nose as though someone had just shoved a skunk under it. He had the biggest smile on his face you have ever seen. He’d just made four new friends!!

Well me an Jase chatted a while and then the train arrived. There were a few more people about by now and as The Burswood was only one stop, the train itself was full.

“Keep well away from him” were the final words of Our Wend as we boarded, “Got ya” I said.

We shuffled and jostled to get on and soon the train was in motion. As you can imagine everyone was in a good mood, were all off to the tennis aren’t we? Lot of crinklies, must be a popular day out for them. I altered my position a bit and turned 180, yep you’ve guessed it, Jason is standing right next to me looking straight at me. That was ok, ish, but we then went through the same palaver as we had when we were standing on the platform. Our Wend kept her distance, so as not to have to endure the handshake again.

Well as I’m standing next to him and its only a five minute ride

“Big supporter of Aussie sport then Jason?”

“Yeah, follow it all, I got a ticket for the tennis today”

“Do you live in Perth?”

“Yeah”

“Been to The Hopman Cup a few times then?”

“No, never, but I got a ticket for today”

“Yeah, so you said”

“I’m Australian, I support Australia, come on Australia”

“Do you know who’s playing today?”

“Where?”

“AT THE TENNIS”

“No, but I’ve got a ticket for today”

Blimey I didn’t know 5 minutes could last so long!!

“Who got you your ticket”

“For what?”

“THE TENNIS, TODAY”

“Oh I did”

“Why didn’t you get one for yesterday?”

“Why”

“Because Australia played yesterday!!!” went straight over his head that one.

“What football team do you support?” he asked

“Eh?”

“What football team do you support?”

“Aston Villa”

“Who?

“Never mind, who do you support?”

Just then, the train stopped, I couldn't get off fast enough “see ya Jason gotta go, you have a good day”

“Come on Australia” was the last thing I heard him say.
After a short queue, we were inside, Our Wend insisted that the first thing we do was, yes, some of you will have guessed it, WASH our hands after our hand shake experience with Jason!!!

Our seats were the very back row parallel to the court. Boy, it was hot up there, everyone and I mean everyone had some thing they were trying to fan themselves with. The air conditioning just wasn’t man enough for the job, and they were only using half the place. I dread to think what its like when its full.

Well we were all kitted out, we had taken goodies, drinks etc and had a fab time. My/our first pro tennis tournament.

Laura Robson was up first, (Niamh got her photo taken with her) playing the butch looking lesbo. Laura was the better player, for the first 5 games!! She lost. Next up Andy Murray, loads of support for him, the Union Jack being waved vigorously by the supporters. Half a dozen Scots just in front of us were waving HOMEMADE ( in true Scottish tradition!!) Saltire’s. The Union Jack would probably have burnt a hole in the palm of their hand!!

Peter was not that interested in watching the tennis at all, he had his head in a book most of the time. When we went for some refreshments, in one corner they had some form of fun tennis for the kids, couldn’t get Peter off it, ah well.

It’s so hot in the Burswood, we had now drank all the water that we had brought with us, so I set off to try and find some water fountains to replenish our stock. All public places here in Perth, parks, shopping centres, cinema’s, cricket grounds have plenty of free chilled water dotted around, NOT in The Burswood apparently, “you have to pay for it” the steward told me when I enquired, or refill from the toilet. Not ideal as its always very warm. So, nearest refreshment hut,

“Two bottles of water please”

“No probs, $9 please”,

“WHAT, have you got that right?” $4.50 each!! (3 quid a bottle). I probably over reacted a bit in hindsight as he was only the ‘messenger’. I told him where he could shove ‘em, and not very politely.

Other alternatives were beer, $6 a bottle, the bottle was bigger than the water,

 or cappuccino, $4 a cup. I ain’t giving the kids coffee with all that caffeine in it!!

“I don’t like beer” Peter and Niamh said

“Don’t be so bloody ungrateful, you’ll get used to it, if you can’t drink it I’ll have it” Honestly kids nowadays!!

Got back to our seats, Our Wend starts complaining that I didn’t bring here a beer.

“But you don’t like beer!!”

When the players go back to their seats, they play all the current pop songs, me and Niamh were giving it the dancing treatment, ‘Bump”, ‘Twist’, you name it. As they went back to play, Peter and Niamh were entertaining themselves by shouting, ‘Come on Andy’ or ‘Go Laura’, don’t know why they found it so funny.

Well in true GB tradition, Murray and Robson snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. They never looked like losing until they actually did! A good day was had by all though.

We did spot Jason one last time, he had a new friend and was standing in line waiting for a photo, like the one Niamhy had with Laura, Our Wend was well chuffed when we managed to get past him before he spotted us.

Leaving The Burswood was a very strange experience, we all had to go back out through the single persons revolving door that we had entered by, took forever. This is, I'm told, because the roof is like a tent, and if they open the huge escape doors, the roof comes down on top of your head. Slight design fault me thinks.Next time The Palmers arrive (thats Clive and Jo)